Institute of Step-Family Dynamics

Category: Step-Parenting

Do’s and don’ts of communicating with alienated adult children (and older teens)

Buckle up, because there are some hard truths ahead.

Truth number 1 – our adult children don’t owe us a relationship.

Yep, I said it. Adult children owe us nothing. In a family without alienation, we get the relationship with our children we have earned and deserve. If we’ve been a supportive parent, who gave our children the space to grow into adults they want to be, we can be rewarded with enriching, loving relationships with our adult children. If we’ve been unsupportive, crappy parents, our adult children may have good reason not to want us to be a part of the world they create as adults.

Either way, we are a part of our adult children’s lives by invitation and not entitlement.

Where it all gets unstuck is when pathogenic parenting or parental alienation has interrupted a previously healthy parent/child relationship, where a child has been made to chose between their parents and has rejected the healthy, loving parent because it’s safer. The child loses their ability to put their own wants and feelings ahead of the pathogenic parent, and refuses contact and connection with the targeted parent.

When this happens to our child, how do we attempt to relate to them as adults?

I’ve seen lots of good news stories about alienated children reconnecting with the targeted parent when they have a choice and it’s safe for them to do so. There are also many other stories without that happy ending. Some of those unhappy endings have been unwittingly fueled by the targeted parent and their lack of understanding of how to meet their alienated child in a way that feels safe. You can read more about how to manage relationships with alienated children here.

Step one – put yourself in your adult child’s shoes

Have you ever had an ex stalk you? A cling-on friend or family member who just refused to take no for an answer and would bombard you with their feelings, wants and desire for you? Remember the ick factor for that? How intrusive and abusive those communications felt? If you haven’t experienced directly, you’ve probably read about it or seen it in a movie etc.

Having someone we don’t want a relationship force their feelings on to us can be incredibly distressing and abusive. If our child perceives us as not a safe person, imagine how our attempts to tell them how we feel about them lands.

One of the golden rules around communicating with estranged and alienated children is to focus on how our communication is likely to be received, rather than us simply dumping our feelings on the other person. If there are more I statements that statements about the person we are communicating with, we are in danger of coming across as abusive and narcissistic, no matter how well intentioned we are.

Step two – timing is important

If we accept that us reaching out may not be well received, and instead may feel intrusive or distressing, then we need to be mindful of that when we reach out. It’s tempting to try and be a part of the big moments, birthdays, holidays etc, and to send heart felt out pourings of love and longing. Remember the creepy stalker comparison?

Instead of intruding on your child’s special day, send something a few days earlier. It fills two purposes, firstly it lets your child know that you are thinking of them and remember them at important times. Secondly, it gives them space to enjoy their special day without living in dread of your name popping up and dredging up real or imagined hurts and resentment.

Step three – respecting their request for no contact

This can be incredibly difficult to accept. When do we ‘give up’? Or is it simply that we reframe it to ‘respecting the boundaries of our adult children’? Either way, at some point there may come a time when you are exhausted from screaming into the void, or reaching out to be rejected repeatedly.

Here’s a suggestion for how to frame that conversation with your adult child.

Hello child,
You’ve made it clear that you don’t wish to have a relationship, and I think it’s also been clear that I have had a hard time accepting that. I’m sorry for continuing to push my agenda against your wishes. I hope you know how much I love you and long to be a part of your life, but I also accept that whether that happens is up to you. I know there are good reasons for you feeling the way that you do, and should you ever wish to talk those through with me, I am willing and ready. Until then, I am going to respect your wishes. Any further communication will be instigated by you, with the exception of me updating my contact details if they change. If you wish me still to maintain some contact, with me understanding and respecting your boundaries, then please let me know.
Your parent

Here’s what this communication is saying:

Hey kiddo –

I realise I’ve been an overstepping pain in the butt. I hear you now, and I’m sorry.

I’ve been so wrapped up in my story and my pain, I haven’t been listening to you or understanding your story and pain. I’m open to hearing those uncomfortable truths now and accepting some responsibility for how things are.

I want you to be able to contact me, so I’m going to let you know how to do that. If you still want me to try and communicate in a respectful way, then I’m here for that.

Step four – live your life

When we have children, we never imagine a life without them in it. We don’t think we will be estranged or alienated from our children’s lives or their lives of their children. Our children aren’t dead, so we can’t mourn their passing. Society judges us, there is an immediate assumption that we must have been a crappy parent. Regardless of all of that, we still deserve to be happy, we need to learn how to build lives around our grief and become people we would want to spend time with.

Step five – own your sh*t

There are always many sides to the stories around relationships. Each of those is valid, even if it isn’t reflective of the facts. It’s valid because it’s what the other believes. If we’re able to accept that our children’s stories about us, about their experience of us, and of the childhoods may not match our own, we’re on the path to owning our part in things. No matter how abusive and alienating the other parent may have been, none of us is perfect. We will have done things that hurt our children, even if that was never our intention. One of the special talents of pathogenic parents is taking a small incident and creating a whole narrative of abuse around it. When we deny it happened, or minimise it, then we are telling our children their feelings aren’t true. It’s invalidating and adds to the disconnect.

If we can be curious about what hurts our children are carrying, if we can be open to the idea that we may inadvertently have been part of the problem, we are far more likely to be able to connect with our wounded adult children.

8 November 2022
How to deal with an overstepping ex or stepparent
If I had a dollar for every time I heard about someone overstepping in a step-family dynamic, I would be a very rich woman. It is right up there with some of the most common complaints in a step-family.

So what exactly is overstepping? Who decides?

In simple terms, it’s when one person intrudes on the space/boundary/home etc of another.

For some mamas, it means whenever a stepmum performs a mothering task without the consent of the mother.

For some stepmums, it means whenever a mum tries to insert her opinions/demands into the home of the stepmum.

Gosh – does anyone else see what I see?

When we try and control what happens in the other home, it can often feel like overstepping.

Women tend to feel like their counterpart is overstepping more than males, in my experience. I think this is in part due to the expectations placed on women to parent and run households. We are socialised to see women as nurturers and caregivers and many parents tend to expect their female partners to step straight into a mothering role. This can feel incredibly offensive to a mother who is used to be the sole female role model and carer in her children’s lives. It can be difficult for a mum to step back and allow another women to ‘mother’ her children.

In a healthy dynamic, where step/parents are solid and secure in their roles, they can have conversations about co-parenting and make joint decisions about parenting. If you have an over stepper, then it’s almost impossible to have those conversations and co-parent.

Here are some golden rules to help with overstepping

1) Parents do not have to parent with their ex’s new partner.

Not going to lie, this one was a hard one for me to grasp first off. I expected a seat at the parenting table. My hunny demanded a seat at the parenting table for me. Unsurprisingly, his ex was not on board with that. It caused a huge amount of conflict. Now my feeling is…

I’m very glad to step back and allow my partner and his ex to parent together outside our home. In our home, my partner and I parent together.
Anita Inglis

2) Stepparents do not have to parent with their partner’s ex.

I saw a post recently accusing an ex and stepparent of parental alienation because the stepmum wasn’t getting permission from the mother before parenting in her home. People, that is not parental alienation, that is boundaries. If you are demanding people comply with your values and opinions in their home, you are the over stepper.

3) You can only make the rules for your home

In the ideal world, children would have the same expectations and similar experiences in each home. If people had the same values and expectations, they probably wouldn’t have gone their separate ways in the first place.

People separate/divorce usually because they don’t agree on some fundamental issues. Expecting those differences to magically disappear when it comes to parenting in different houses, especially with new partners, seems naïve at best.

4) Conflict between homes creates loyalty binds for children

There is a huge difference between conflict and disagreement and pathogenic parenting/parental alienation. Unfortunately, there seems to be a lot of confusion as to what PAS is and people will accuse people setting boundaries and reacting to their overstepping of engaging in parental alienation.

Look at what messages you are sending your children. Are you making it uncomfortable for them to be around you because of your attitudes to the family in the other house? Are you complaining about your ex or their partner overstepping? Are you demanding your ‘rights’ at the expense of both sides of the child’s family being able to participate or be involved?

If you are, then you are the one creating the loyalty binds. In situation like this, children may reject you or choose the other house over you. Your attitude and the drama and discomfort it creates may mean the child seeks to limit time with you, so as not to be exposed to your upset and unkind words about people they love.

5) Children don’t reject emotionally healthy parents who don’t abuse them without some form of coercion from an outside source.

This is one of the foundational tenets of whether a child rejecting a parent is because of pathogenic parenting/alienation.
- Emotionally healthy parents don’t attempt to control what happens in the other home.
- Emotionally healthy parents don’t attempt to restrict the involvement their ex or their ex’s new partner in the children’s lives, unless there is abuse. Not doing what you want them to do is not abuse.
- Emotionally healthy parents don’t make their children feel they have to choose who is going to be at an event to support them.
If you feel like your ex or their partner is overstepping, take a moment to check your expectations.

Am I trying to control what is happening in their home?

Am I trying to control what role the new partner is playing in my children’s lives?

Am I trying to control or do I believe I have the right to dictate/control?

If the answer to any of these or similar questions is yes – you might the be one overstepping.

If the answer is no, and you are dealing with a high conflict ex, check out this article for some ideas of how to manage that relationship more calmly
31 October 2022
A Guide to Parallel Parenting with a High Conflict Ex

Everyone in a high conflict situation likes to think the difficult ex is a narcissist. Clinically diagnosed narcissists make up between 1 to 15% of the US population, so all of the ‘narcissistic exes’ are not all narcissists. The sad news is people don’t have to be narcissists to be challenging to parent with!

Letting go of the labeling and the name calling can be a vital first step towards finding peace in the parallel parenting world. We can step outside of the victim mode of dealing with someone we feel is impossible and start creating a world we can feel some control and autonomy – in our homes at least. But first we need to fully define parallel parenting and why it might be the ideal approach to a high-conflict situation.

What is parallel parenting and why is it helpful when dealing with a narcissistic (or challenging) ex?

Parallel parenting, very simply put, is your house, your rules. The flip side of that, and one that people find less appealing, is that it also means their house, their rules. Parallel parenting means taking an inventory of the things that are within your control — for example, bedtimes in your home —and the things that are not, such as bedtimes in the other house.

People with high conflict natures and personality disorders tend to crave conflict because conflict equals interaction and attention. Just like kids will sometimes act out even if the only response they will get is a negative one, those people who crave attention and interaction are happy to get your energy even if that energy is anger and resentment. Often, people with personality disorders and a predilection for drama have been fed negative attention as their dominant source of attention since childhood, so they don’t know any other way of doing or being.

This is an important clue. We can unwittingly become a source of sustenance if we keep engaging with someone hooked on negative attention. Our attempts to diffuse, while well-intended, do little more than feed the addiction. In turn, we become frustrated because it doesn’t matter how reasonable we try to be. There is just no reasoning.

So now that we know what parallel parenting is, let’s talk about why it’s helpful during high-conflict situations.

Parallel parenting gives us the opportunity to take back our power and limit communication.

If we stick firmly to the idea that in our house we make the rules, all of the noise from that high conflict person surrounding what we are doing wrong, why we are bad parents, and why we should be doing things their way becomes just that — noise. I often tell my clients to channel a sassy old English woman when they are being hit with a tirade and respond in their heads, “That’s nice dear.” Those attempts to drag us into conflict don’t warrant or deserve our energy. We can keep our responses very brief and to the point, lacking in emotion, and pleasant. Check out the BIFF or Grey Rock responses for more information about this.

What this means for the actual practice of parenting

After many years of trying different methods, my hunny and I have found a process that works really well for us. He and I parent together in our house. We set the boundaries and the tone, we decide the consequences, and we enforce those consequences. There is zero expectation that our values, rules, or consequences will be supported in mum’s house. This also means that any rules, values, or consequences from her house stay there.

If a child has had their device taken off them in either home, there is no expectation the other home will carry on that consequence. There are a couple of reasons we have chosen this approach. Firstly, there was no co-parenting in our situation. I’m talking zero communication about the most basic things like toilet training or nap times. It was a very high conflict situation, and the children were constantly being told how stupid and wrong we were by their mother. Thirdly, we didn’t agree with the fundamental parenting approach of the ex.

So with all of that in mind, it would make zero sense to continue enforcing values and rules we don’t agree with. For example, one child might be scapegoated in one home, which is fairly common when narcissistic traits are present. They may consistently be punished for things that were not their fault, so why would we carry on that inequity? Switching home environments is hard, so it’s important that kids have perks here and there, like getting a fresh start.

Outside of our home, when it comes to things like medical, legal, and education decisions, there are laws in place that put the responsibility of decision making on both parents. It can be incredibly difficult to do this when a high conflict ex refuses to co-parent on these matters. We have found that it requires consistent boundaries and accountability.

For example, one child in our stepfamily had blood tests recently. We waited and waited for the ex to inform my husband of the initial appointment and subsequent test results. In the end, he asked her outright. The response of “I just got the results back” was an outright lie, as we know she’s had them for weeks. She then gave a partial report. Is there any point in calling out the lie? No. However, it is important to keep holding her to account to share information. Each time we become aware of another breach, my husband will text requesting the information.

Narcissistic or not, parents can get very territorial. They can become self-righteous and feel entitled to tell us how we should or shouldn’t be parenting. Parallel parenting gives us the option to “pay them no mind” when this happens! We can sit solidly in our decisions and the parenting we choose to perform in our own homes.

Protecting the couple relationship amid the drama

A critical part of parallel parenting is focusing on your relationship with your partner. The couple relationship is the foundation of a stable step-family unit. It’s far too easy to let a high conflict person come between us. Find common ground and establish your own family culture that embodies your shared values as both a couple and your goals as a family unit.

31 October 2022
3 Simple Steps To Avoid Mother’s Day Misery

Most years I put out a PSA on social media for mums and stepmums prior to Mother’s Day. This year I thought an entire blog might be more helpful.

I do this because there are very few days in the year that can bring as much misery, resentment, and pain to women as Mother’s Day. It’s such a hyped up occasion where our families are supposed to shower us in bounty and praise enough to make all of our sacrifices and pain fade away into distant memory. We are supposed to bask in a warm bath of love and appreciation.

With such overblown expectations, cultivated by media and conditioning, is it any wonder that so many of us end the day hiding in some part of the house in tears?

Mother’s Day can be particularly challenging for those who haven’t been able to give birth or adopt children of their own. Childless stepmothers often find this a time of enormous pain. They are reminded of the children they don’t have in their families and feel they will never be seen as a ‘real’ Mother by their stepchildren and possibly even by their partner.

For mothers who don’t have their children with them on Mother’s Day, the day can bring up many insecurities and unhappy feelings around another woman playing a significant role in mothering their children, not a situation most mothers imagined when they became mothers. For stepmothers whose stepchildren are with their mothers for Mother’s Day, it can be another painful reminder we are not a ‘real’ mother.

So how do we change the way the day plays out and avoid as much misery as possible?

Here are 3 simple steps.

1) Figure out what YOU want the day to look and feel like.

Do you want to be celebrated? If so, how? What would your ideal Mother’s Day look like?

I’ve had many different Mother’s Days over the years and some of my best have been time out from mothering. It’s ok to say – actually the best thing I can imagine for Mother’s day is a night in a hotel by myself, or a day out with friends. It’s also ok to say – I need all of the things; breakfast in bed, chocolates, flowers, a lunch out, a day off cooking…the what is not important. What’s important is that it’s what you want out of the day.

2) Communicate your needs

Yes, we actually need to tell people what we want and need!

I remember the first Mother’s Day I spent with my ex-husband. My first Mother’s Day I had been alone in a different country, away from family and friend, as a single parent. The only thing that was special about the day was my first Mother’s Day was just like any other Sunday. For the next one, I was full of excitement about actually being celebrated as a mother by my child and partner. The big day arrived and there was nothing. Not a card, no flowers, not even breakfast in bed. I was devastated.

When I asked why there was no Mother’s Day thing happening, the response was: We never did Mother’s Day for my mum. I was shocked. Mother’s Day was really important in our family.

So the lesson was, don’t just assume your partner will know what you want or need!

We talked about it, and from then on, he was amazing at making sure the kids celebrated me for Mother’s Day. Even after we broke up, he would take the kids to buy a gift. One year, even after I had repartnered, he came down and cooked me breakfast in bed for me with the kids.

3) Be prepared to change your ideas around what’s important

As a young mum, Mother’s Day was really important. As I’ve got older and feel more solid in my role, I don’t need the same recognition on the day. I know being appreciated and loved is not always about the big moments artifically driven by consumerism. I know it’s the little moments; the cups of tea, the help when I don’t ask, the unexpected phone call or visit. Those are the things that make me feel most loved and appreciated. I’m in my 30^th year of parenting now, so I’ve had plenty of celebrations over the years!

I’m not suggesting it’s wrong or silly to want all of the things on Mother’s Day. My husband is not into commercialised holidays or events. We’ve talked about some of the reasons why, and I’ve found over the years I’ve come to adopt more of his views on these things. It’s less stressful and way less expensive! Our family values have evolved over the years, and part of the step-family dynamic is incorporating new ways of celebrating.

If your partner is not into celebrating and isn’t up to accommodating your wants and needs around Mother’s Day, it might be time to figure out how to celebrate yourself instead. Buy the flowers, treat yourself, take a break away. Fill your cup in the way you want it filled, we don’t have to rely on others to do it for us.

However you want this Mother’s Day to be, please don’t leave it to chance and hope and pray your loved ones will magically get it right.

Create the day and celebration you want and deserve.

24 April 2022
What Is (And Isn’t) Parental Alienation Syndrome?

This article was first published in Stepparentmagazine.com

Parental Alienation Syndrome or PAS is one of the most incorrectly used terms in the step-family world. It’s a word that can often send court-appointed officials running for the hills, or rolling their eyes so far back in the heads their eyes get whiplash. Why is this term so widely misused and misunderstood? And what does it actually mean?

Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) was a term coined by Dr Richard Gardner. He used it to describe children who rejected a non-abusive parent. This is where the incorrect understanding about PAS begins. Most people think PAS refers to the behaviour of a parent who is trying to damage the relationship between the child and the other parent.

A parent won’t let the child talk on the phone , withholds important information, doesn’t follow the parenting order, withholds the children – it’s PAS, it’s parental alienation syndrome people claim. Well, actually no, none of those things are parental alienation syndrome. They may be alienating behaviours, or as I prefer to call them, pathogenic parenting. They are not PAS. PAS is what occurs as a result of those behaviours.

Parental Alienation Syndrome is when the child rejects the parent. The child refuses a relationship with the parent. It’s nothing a parent does, it’s all about the child and his/her behaviour and responses.

Why is this such a controversial term, and why are so many professionals dismissive of it? Why is it not an officially recognised condition?

The original findings of Dr Gardner stated that alienating parents tended to be women. So the foundational belief was that women were the perpetrators of alienation behaviour, and the victims were children and men. As Dr Gardner did more work in the field, he found that it was a pretty even spread between the genders, and both men and women were indulging in alienating behaviour, but the initial findings are what many professionals identify. The damage was done. It is not recognised as an official disorder by the American Psychological Society. PAS is seen by many professionals as misogynistic; dangerous for women and children escaping domestic abuse. The fear is that abusive men use the term to try and discredit women who are trying to protect themselves and their children.

In fact, I heard a leading expert on domestic violence in New Zealand say exactly that. His description of PAS was that it was appalling and used by men to further abuse women. This narrative was very different to both my experience and understanding of what PAS actually is, but gave me a deeper insight into why the court system is so wary when parents, particularly fathers, bring this up in cusotdy disputes.

When you combine this with the prevailing paradigm exploited by many women who use alienating behaviour, which is that the children are scared of their father he is an awful person; it’s unsurprising fathers are not met with understanding or empathy when they raise the PAS question in custody battles. Women are also victims of this behaviour, with fathers using PAS as a way to discredit loving mothers.

So let me recap. Many court officials will have a view that PAS is used by abusive men to try and discredit mothers who are trying to protect themselves and their children. Many mothers who are attempting to cut their children off from the children’s father will claim bullying, fear, and the children/themselves are unsafe with the father. This plays right into the stereotypes of the concerns of court appointed officials, who worry about protecting children from abusive fathers. For mothers, a child rejecting the maternal figure is so far outside of the dominant discourse, many believe it must be because the mother is deficient in some way, otherwise why would a child reject their mother.

There is a distinct lack of understanding of the impact for children of being in the primary care of an alienating or pathogenic parenting. There is limited understanding that children who exhibit ADHD type behavioural issues in a high conflict divorce situation are often doing so because of the high conflict divorce and pathogenic parenting situation, rather than ADHD. There is not an understanding that children will lie to protect the alienating parent, out of fear, loyalty, and a sense they need to protect their parent. There is also a lack of understanding that a child will take on the fears and beliefs of an alienating parent when this is the dominant discourse and the alienating parent lies about the behaviour and intentions of the targeted parent.

So where does this leave a parent who is the target of their ex doing their level best to destroy their relationship with their children? This is not something I can address in a single article, but having an understanding of what the term PAS actually means, why it’s controversial, and why using that term in your legal battles may not serve you well is a start.

It’s important to realise that a single moment of expressing exasperation about the other house, or your ex, is not going to cause PAS. PAS is caused by sustained pressure on the child. This article is the first in a series about PAS and pathogenic parenting, so keep an eye out for more articles about how to counter PAS and to make sure our children are being given the tools to form healthy, loving relationships with all of the parental figures in their lives.

29 August 2021
Stepparents & Chores

This article was first published in Stepparentmagazine.com

One of the biggest sources of conflict I see in step-families is how chores are assigned and who enforces the chores. Some people advise stepparents stay completely clear of any chore assigning and enforcement. While on the surface this seems like good advice, it’s advice that often leaves stepparents feeling powerless in their homes.

Each home is different. Each family structure is different. I’m going to outline some scenarios and possibilities and then suggest that you and your partner, and even the children, sit down together and create a system that works for you. There are some basics make this whole process easier and I’d recommend reading this article first ( All is not Fair in Step-Family Chores).

Once you understand that there is no one size fits all, even within your own family unit, it becomes a lot easier to design a system that will work for all the members of your family. Recognising the impact of transition on both the kids and the adults, and how children moving from one family system to another impacts their capacity is the cornerstone of setting up a chore system that works.

Should Stepparents Manage Chores?

Yes, no, maybe, sometimes? Only you can figure out whether it’s appropriate for the stepparent in your home to have a strong voice in managing chores in your home. Some factors to consider what might work best for your family are outlined below.

If the stepparent is a main caregiver when the bioparent is not home, I think it’s imperative the stepparent has a mandate to set and enforce rules while they are the one doing the caregiving. It can seem sometimes that babysitters have more of a say when it comes to running the home in the bioparents absence.

Obviously it will work better when both the stepparent and the bioparent are on the same page, but it’s also ok for a stepparent to say ‘Hey kiddo, I know this stuff doesn’t bother mum/dad, but it bothers me. When I’m the parent in charge, please do things like this.’ I can hear the shock waves reverberating around step-family land as I type.

What??? Stepparents can have different rules to bioparents? How can that be? How can that work? Isn’t it too hard for kids to manage?

Here is an amazing thing about kids. The majority of them are capable of recognising that different environments have different expectations around behaviour and they are able to moderate their behaviour accordingly. They navigate different rules at grandparents houses, extended family, family friends, and between different teachers at school. They are well versed in the idea of situationally appropriate behaviour. If they can do it at school and grandma’s house they can do it at your home.

I manage chores with my stepchildren from a ‘what I need to not lose my sh*t’ angle. I highly recommend it. I’m not trying to create great adults necessarily, I’m making sure I don’t lose my mind because the kids are doing things that go against all of my values. It’s not about them per se, it’s all about me.

Things to be aware of

One of the biggest complaints I hear from stepparents is that bioparents are inconsistent when it comes to enforcing agreed rules or chores. Stepparents that are actively involved in managing chores and rules can end up feeling like a drill sergeant and worry about damaging their relationship with their stepkids. Newsflash, bioparents are often feeling those exact same concerns. This is particularly challenging when you have the ex in the background actively attempting to undermine and sabotage the relationships with the children in your home.

Sometimes bioparents are passive and inconsistent out of fear. These are valid fears at times. If you have the other home telling kids they can chose not to come to your house if they don’t like it, it can be a real possibility that being too hard on kids will lead to them not coming any more. As stepparents I think sometimes we don’t understand what a driver that fear can be. There are ways to manage chores and rules for kids who are being subjected to pathogenic parenting/alienation tactics, but that is a whole other article.

If your kids are not under duress from the other house to reject you, then setting consistent boundaries and enforcing expectations is actually an important way for kids to feel safe and a part of the family unit. Holding the same expectations for kids who are there most of the time and only some of the time is not always easy, or the best way to manage family relationships. It might feel unfair to those there fulltime, and to the stepparent who is being expected to hold different standards for the stepkids and biokids. Heck, it is unfair! Unfortunately, fairness is not an aspirational quality in stepfamilies; instead being real about capacity and what is feasible are where the focus needs to be.

Sometimes bioparents know their kids better than the stepparent. They can see when the kid is reaching peak capacity or meltdown point. They may decide to cut more slack than usual. Often stepparents can see this as rewarding crappy behaviour, rather than the bioparent being in tune with the needs of their child. It’s a hard line to straddle and giving kids some room when they are stressed is often a better option than enforcing chores and rules no matter what else is going on for the family and individuals.

At the end of the day, looking to where people are at, rather than an arbitrary set of rules and chore charts is going to be more effective in maintaining family harmony and ensuring kids buy in to the expectations around chores and rules. Build relationship first and be a stickler for chores second. Counterintuitively, giving space when kids are overwhelmed often results in more chores being done with less nagging.

29 August 2021
All is not Fair in Step-Family Chores

Chores…that simple word can strike fear into the heart of most step-family members, parents and children alike. Chores are a struggle in first families, but step-family dynamics add a whole other level of challenges.

As I allude to in the title, there is no fair in chores in a step-family and recognising and accepting that is key to making chores manageable. There are so many variables that there is also no one size fits all approach. Blending families is something that takes time. Blending beliefs around chores may be mission impossible for some families, they may need to start from scratch and create a whole new set of values and beliefs.

Take a good look at where your family is at.

This can be a little painful. We all like to think we are like the Brady Bunch (and who wouldn’t love an Alice!), but the reality is often quite different. You may have two or more sets of children who are used to very different parenting styles and requirements around their contribution to the household. One parent will be seen as overly strict and unreasonable, and the other parent labelled permissive and slack. How on earth do you get on the same page when the values around chores are so different?

Creating a family culture based on shared values in a good start. Each parent might need to look at the ‘why’ of their expectations. Often we hold values around chores that stem from our own upbringing, rather than as a conscious construction of family values. Looking into the why can be quite revealing and make us question how important and relevant our expectations really are.

Be realistic about capacity.

The demands on kids who are dealing with transitioning between homes are far greater than kids who only have to deal with one set of house rules and parenting styles. We all know transition can be a nightmare time for families; for both the kids and the parents. Knowing this, we need to be smart about our expectations of family members during this time.

Expecting kids to land in your home and jump straight into chores can be setting our family up for conflict and failure. Take a moment to think how you feel when you are juggling conflicting emotions and expectations. Are you emotionally available to handle the demands of others? Are you filled with the joy of giving and being a team member? Or are you at the edge of your coping just getting through the day?

Kids who are in your home more will be more comfortable and familiar with your family expectations and values than kids whose dominant experience is with another family structure and set of values. It’s not just unreasonable to expect the same level of engagement from both sets of kids, it’s setting everyone up for failure. Kids who are there for a weekend are going to be dealing with a lot of feelings around transition. Their bandwidth for extra is not going to be the same as kids for whom your home is their main home. Figuring out how to adjust expectations is key for engagement and success around managing chores.

If we, as adults, struggle with this just imagine how much harder it is for kids. We have some semblance of control over our time and the demands on our time and resource. Kids very often do not. Imagine how it feels when you are already over peak capacity and someone demands you do some laundry or dishes. Is it any wonder that sometimes our kids are not compliant when it comes to chores? One article can’t answer all of the questions around how to manage chores in a step-family dynamic. This article is the first in a series around chores, so keep an eye out for the next instalments! Hopefully this has helped remove some of the expectations around being able to make things fair and an encouragement to look at the whys around chores in your home.

29 August 2021
4 Simple Questions To Help Kids Change Their Behaviour

Parenting in step-families is a whole other world. We don’t get to set the boundaries and expectations in isolation, very often kids are dealing with an entirely different set of rules and consequences in their other home. Holding kids accountable can be hard as they navigate switching from one set of rules to another.

It’s also not uncommon for children with two homes to exhibit some behavioural issues, add in a high conflict parenting situation, and kids can seem like they are out of control. Having parented my own 4 children, and made SO many, many mistakes, I came into step-parenting with a different understanding of what kids need. I had to readjust that when my step-children developed some severe behavioural issues. It was incredibly frustrating to work so hard on getting them to understand boundaries and learn how to navigate our house and then 2 weeks later begin again.

As I researched more around parental alienation and pathogenic parenting, I began to understand a lot of these behaviours are stress responses. Punishment is THE last thing these kids need. We looked at several different parenting strategies and gradually adopted something that worked in our complex situation.

These 4 questions will work whether you have children the majority of the time, or part of the time. When something goes awry, sit down with the child and go through these 4 questions. Getting the child to sit down with you calms the situation down. We aren’t looming over them, creating more stress and fear. It signals this is a time to connect and discuss.

What were you FEELING when you made that choice?

Notice the choice of the word feeling, rather than thinking. Children aren’t thinking when they do dumb stuff, they are all in their feels and so not rational or logical. Helping them identify what was going on for them can help them identify their triggers and stressors. It can be like pulling teeth, and a painful process for them. It’s ok not to expect an immediate answer. In fact, sitting them down and saying – ‘sit here and have a think about what you were feeling when that happened and let me know when you have an answer’ is a great way for them to sit with their feelings. The first time I did it with my step-son, he struggled so hard. He didn’t want to feel those feelings again, he gave me some random answers that I knew weren’t the truth. When he finally was able to dig deep enough, he had tears and explained he had been jealous. Even adults struggle to identify their feelings at times, and match them with their responses and behaviour. Teaching our children how to do this sets them up to navigate relationships later in life.

Please note – this isn’t sending kids to their rooms for a time out. I think it’s really important we don’t send kids away when they have made mistakes. Sit them down in a room where you are so that you can maintain eye contact and check in how they are doing with their figuring out.

The next question is:
What would you do next time to make a choice that works better for you? What would that look and feel like?
This question gets the child to analyse their role in the conflict or poor choice. What choice did they make? What would be a better choice?

Followed by:
What do you need from me to help you make that choice next time? How can I help you with that?
This sends the message that the child is not alone in this, they can ask for help.

The final question is
What can you do to try and fix what happened? What can you do to make it up to the person you hurt or the damage you caused?
The first time I asked this questions, I was blown away by the answer. The 9 year old came up with a solution I hadn’t even considered. It was entirely appropriate and really worked. He had stolen the candy his sister had earned doing chores. His solution was to do chores to earn candy and to give her the candy he earned to replace what he stole. I’ve never seen a kid so happy to do chores. He was so proud of himself, he felt empowered to be able to fix what he had broken.

Obviously this is not the entire strategy we employed to turn his behaviour around. It was combined with ‘catching him be good’ , a relentless campaign of telling him all of the good choices we noticed and how well he was doing. It works with all 3 very well.

When we’re on a road trip and they start niggling, I jump in with – Hey you kids have been amazing today! I’m so impressed with how well you’ve done, I know it’s boring sitting there. You’ve been so kind to each other, it’s so great to see. Hang in there, we’ll take a break soon’. Magically, the niggling will stop.

Reward the behaviour you want to see repeated.

If we notice positive behaviour and comment on it, the positive behaviour will be repeated as long as we keep commenting on it and rewarding the child with positive attention. If we consistently comment on negative behaviour, we are inadvertently rewarding the child with attention. They will repeat this behaviour as long as we keep giving them attention for it.

Recently we had our boy, who is on the spectrum and delayed, go through a phase of lying. Lying to us, to his mum. We tried so many different solutions. In the end I realised we were rewarding the wrong thing. I decided to start Operation Catch Him Being Good. I gently reminded him about the expectations he had missed on his first night. I spoke with him about being sorry about forgetting he needed more help to remember things. We talked about making better choices. He brought up the lying and said he would try not to lie but it was hard because he was used to lying all the time and the lies just came out. We made a deal – if he said he had lied as soon as he told a lie, it wouldn’t count. That seemed to take a huge weight off, we got through a whole week with no obvious lies. He was fit to burst with pride.

After 28 years of being a parent, the biggest lesson has been that kids respond to love and positive attention for more than punishment and being told off.

3 February 2021
Why Kids Should Not Be in Charge of the Visitation Schedule

This article was originally published in http://stepparentmagazine.com

Permissive parenting is something I see a lot in the step-family dynamic. It’s custodial parents who think children should get to dictate to schedule, it’s non-custodial parents who are too scared to set boundaries. It’s when kids are put in the driving seat of the decision making in the family unit. It’s when kids are given too much control over the family dynamic. It’s when kids get to dictate the visitation schedule.

One of the big warning signs of pathogenic parenting (alienating parenting) is when a parent keeps saying ‘But why won’t you listen to the child?’ or ‘I can’t make the child call you/spend time with you etc’. Strangely enough, these parents usually manage to get the children to do other basic tasks they may not particularly want to; like going to bed, eating a meal, getting to school, but anything to do with the other parent is mission impossible…

A parent who is invested in their child having a healthy relationship with both of their parents will respond firmly, but lovingly, to any expression of ‘I don’t want to go’. There are many reasons a child will choose not to go to the other parents, the majority of those are benign. They hate having to change routine, they miss their toys, they want to be able to do things with neighbourhood friends. All of those are understandable reasons for a child to express a reluctance to change houses, they are not reasons to allow a child to miss time with their other parent.

One of the greatest tragedies for children with two homes is the ability they have to play the homes off against each other and to avoid having to face responsibility when they screw up. If we allow our children to avoid dealing with conflict with the other parent, we are doing them a great disservice. None of us are perfect parents, we all make mistakes. Giving the other parent the space to repair from mistakes is essential for our children’s well-being and developing skills to manage relationships. If we simply say ‘Oh dad was mean last time, you can stay here’ we are teaching children avoiding conflict is a valid response. Instead, to promote healthy conflict resolution, we could say ‘Yeah, I know things were rough last time, but I think it’s important that you go and spend some time together and figure things out’. The only exception to this is when children are subjected to abuse that is worthy of a child services notification. If it’s not notification worthy, it’s not a reason to withhold the children or allow them to dictate the schedule.

Children who are subjected to pathogenic parenting are also often subjected to permissive parenting. The children are told their feelings, wants, and needs should take precedence over the wants and needs of everyone (except the pathogenic parent!). So when the child goes into an environment where they are not the centre of the universe, where the world does not revolve around their wants and needs, they act out. When the parent who is the target of the pathogenic parent has time with the children, the children are set up to be unhappy. They have an expectation everything they want and need should be supplied by the targeted parent, and that the targeted parent doesn’t understand them so therefore, won’t be able to meet their wants and needs. Sound familiar?

They pout, they tantrum, they use every available tool in their toolbox to assert themselves in what they deem as their rightful place – the centre of attention. They will often come back and complain vociferously that the other parent was mean, didn’t listen etc. In fact, what happened was the other parent set necessary boundaries and the child didn’t like it. Not liking a boundary is not a reason to opt-out of seeing your parent.

It takes a very brave parent to go against this conditioning. There is a very real fear that setting boundaries could result in losing your child completely. When I say very real fear, I mean a fear that is grounded in reality. There are many stories of parents who have lost their children to pathogenic parenting. It’s this fear that leads to permissive parenting by targeted or non-custodial parents. They are scared to set boundaries with children who already have said they don’t want to be there. How on earth do you risk making them hate being there even more by imposing rules and boundaries?

The answer to this is not simple, and what I am about to say may not be relevant to your situation. There is no one size fits all, but this is what I have seen work in my own family and in the families of people I have worked with over the years. Enforce the visitation schedule, go to court if need be. Setting a boundary that the schedule must be adhered to when dealing with pathogenic or permissive parenting is key. It takes the pressure off the child, it allows them to keep the pathogenic parent happy by saying they hate the targeted parent, but it means they get to maintain a relationship with both of their parents. It’s a sad fact that this dynamic is still not recognised by many involved in the judicial and therapeutic community. It doesn’t mean you don’t keep on enforcing the schedule.

Boundaries are the means by which children feel safe and held. It’s scary being in a world where you get to call the shots and you are 5, 10 or 15. You know on some level you are not equipped to make decisions for yourself, but you have adults around you allowing you to do that. Is it any wonder these children lash out and tantrum?

The most important thing is realising that being a permissive parent will not protect you from losing your child to pathogenic parenting, or parental alienation. In fact, it will probably fast track the process. Kids need to know adults have their backs and that adults will make the hard calls. Leaving kids in charge of the schedule puts the burden of disappointing a parent on them. Most of the time they will side with the parent who is most vocal about being hurt by them choosing time with the other parent, i.e. the permissive/pathogenic/alienating parent. Enforcing the schedule takes the burden off your child, giving them space to have a relationship with both of their parents.

NB – I know there are genuine situations where children are forced to spend time with abusive parents due to the courts not recognising the abuse. This is not what I am talking about in this article. The situations I am talking about here are those where loving parents are being kept from having a relationship or time with their children because of the other parent wants to be the chosen parent.

24 November 2020
What About Me? Step/mums and Family Holiday Traditions
It’s amping up to ‘that’ time of year.

Holiday stress is a thing. It’s more often a thing for women. It’s often a very different kind of thing for step/mums.

Traditionally women are the keepers of family traditions, the holiday planners, they are the ones to whom the responsibility for creating a celebration that brings joy to the family falls. Doing all of that in a step-family dynamic adds a whole other realm of stress. Bringing different family traditions and expectations into a day that works for everyone, even when there are different custody schedules going on is exhausting.

I’m not going to go in to a whole diabtribe about how gendered this is and how unreasonable these expectations are…because they absolutely are, or encouraging a whole wave of feminist rejection of tradition social norms. That’s not because I don’t believe that’s exactly what should happen, it’s because as women we are too damn tired to stage a revolt this close to the silly season. Let’s start that in January or February to make sure there is a fairer division of tasks and responsibilities next year!

So in the meantime, how do we deal with the layers and layers of stress this can bring?

Here are 5 tips I find useful:

Lower expectations

Lower…lower…lower…and still lower

Am I being a Debbie Downer? No, I’m being Samantha Survivor!

So much of our hurt in this season comes from the disconnect between our hopes and expectations and the reality that comes to pass.

Is the ex who is a grinch all year suddenly going to be overcome with festive cheer and become super generous about access and time over the holidays? Unlikely! They have shown you who they are during the rest of the year – believe them!!

Are family members who struggle with each other going to put all their differences aside and sit round holding hands singing carols? Also unlikely! They have shown you how they feel about each other during the rest of the year – believe them!!

Is a partner who is an expert ducker and weaver when it comes to dodging household management going to stage a miraculous conversion to Martha Stewart or even Martha Stewart’s assistant come the holiday season? Nope, not likely. They have shown you their engagement in the household management during the rest of the year – believe them!!

Finally – if you are not a Martha Stewart clone from January to October, are you going to suddenly become someone who decorates like an Insta story and cooks like a Pinterest board? Trust me, this is also unlikely.

This is a nice segue into tip #2

Set yourself up for success

I can’t tell you how many times I have had grand plans (my family might say delusions of grandeur) about the kind of Christmas I was going to create. I can tell you those plans didn’t come off exactly that number of times.

Life gets super busy at the end of the year. The days of me thinking I can bake cute cookies, make homemade bath bombs, and create an elaborate menu are a dim, distant memory. I know I will be tired. I know getting drunk on Christmas Eve makes for a challenging Christmas Day. I know inviting 23 people for Christmas Dinner and getting over exuberant with the Christmas Eve celebrating/stress drinking is even worse.
- Make realistic menu plans
- Ask for help
- Leave something in the tank for the big days
- Up your self-care
Here comes tip #3

Be selfish rather than selfless

Sure, it’s the season of goodwill and going out of our way for others, but a stressed out step/mama is not able to be the font of goodwill. She’s likely to be the fountain of stress and ill will.

Take some time out to plan. Take some time out to reconnect with yourself. Have a list of go tos that you know help soothe you. Mine are lying on my shakti mat listening to binaural beats, having a good supply of herbal teas, and a secret stash of my favourite chocolate bars. I pop in some moments of focused breathing and nice candles too.

More importantly, I know when to say no and when to ask for help which is tip #4

You don’t need to carry this load alone. Even though tip#1 was all about not looking for help in the wrong place, we still need help.

Asking what people are willing to do is a game changer.

I find rather than telling my darling what I want him to do – laying out the list of things that need doing and then asking him what he can take on is really effective. Sometimes he has no idea of what’s required, let alone how to do the things that are required. Sometimes he will then proactively engage our kids to step up and help. Him just doing that takes a massive load off me. I don’t have to deal with the arguments and excuses, and since he asks them to help out far less than I do…he gets a more positive response.

The final tip is be clear about what you need.

Whether it is the gift you would like, the response to your efforts, or how the day is going to play out. Speak out and speak up. So often we aren’t clear in our expectations and end up feeling disappointed in how the day unfolds. People only let us down if they didn’t follow through on what they said they would, often it’s us letting ourselves down because we didn’t make clear what we needed.
29 October 2020