Institute of Step-Family Dynamics

Tag: high conflict ex

  • Should I give up fighting for my alienated child?

    Should I give up fighting for my alienated child?

    This heartbreaking question is one I see a lot in support groups.

    Fighting in family court is brutal.

    It’s hugely expensive, not just financially but also mentally, physically, emotionally. It can also take a tremendous toll on our relationships with those around us. If you’ve been battling in court for years, then you are very possibly tapped out and wondering whether you can go on. You will be given all sorts of conflicting advice – never give up!!! Stop this, it’s killing you and you’ll never win. And on and on. Ultimately, the only person who can decide when enough is enough is you.

    My hunny spent 8 years off and on fighting in family court to be a parent to his children. It was grueling, it put our lives in a holding pattern for years because we lacked the resource to do anything else. He reached breaking point when he found out days before court that his ex wasn’t going to move to the town she said she was. We had given up our home, all ready to move to that town and have 50/50 care of the children. It was going to be almost impossible for him to win in court.

    He said to me – I can’t keep doing this to the children. They were well down the path to full blown alienation at this point. We were hanging on to a relationship with them in our home, but outside our home they were bad mouthing us, telling lies etc. He knew if he kept fighting, they would be put under more pressure to reject us and it was taking a toll on them. He decided in that moment that he would accept reduced time, give their mother everything she wanted and focus on building a good life while being basically a disneyland dad. The children were 9, 8, and 6.

    It took less than a year before things started to go awry. The children complained about not spending time with us, the eldest struggled hugely at school and with his mental health and we ended up back in court under urgency. That time my hunny took to step back was enough to hold him through the next round of court, where he ended up with 50/50 care.

    Family court with a high conflict person is a marathon, not a sprint. It’s ok to take time out to rest and heal. It’s ok to build a life that works for you, in fact it’s not just ok, it’s essential. We need to be in our best shape for the moment the children need us to get back in the fight or for when they are old enough to want to pursue and rediscover a relationship.

    Parenting doesn’t magically end when the court deems it does, or a child ages out of the agreement. Parenting is a life long journey, our adult children sometimes need us more than they did when they were children.

    We need to make sure we look after ourselves well enough to hold hope, and when we get depleted, have people around us who can hold hope for us.

    The best thing we can do for our alienated children is our own internal work, so that we deal with our wounds and inner pain. This means we can be the healthy, happy parent they need us to be.

  • How to deal with an overstepping ex or stepparent

    How to deal with an overstepping ex or stepparent

    If I had a dollar for every time I heard about someone overstepping in a step-family dynamic, I would be a very rich woman. It is right up there with some of the most common complaints in a step-family.

    So what exactly is overstepping? Who decides?

    In simple terms, it’s when one person intrudes on the space/boundary/home etc of another.

    For some mamas, it means whenever a stepmum performs a mothering task without the consent of the mother.

    For some stepmums, it means whenever a mum tries to insert her opinions/demands into the home of the stepmum.

    Gosh – does anyone else see what I see?

    When we try and control what happens in the other home, it can often feel like overstepping.

    Women tend to feel like their counterpart is overstepping more than males, in my experience. I think this is in part due to the expectations placed on women to parent and run households. We are socialised to see women as nurturers and caregivers and many parents tend to expect their female partners to step straight into a mothering role. This can feel incredibly offensive to a mother who is used to be the sole female role model and carer in her children’s lives. It can be difficult for a mum to step back and allow another women to ‘mother’ her children.

    In a healthy dynamic, where step/parents are solid and secure in their roles, they can have conversations about co-parenting and make joint decisions about parenting. If you have an over stepper, then it’s almost impossible to have those conversations and co-parent.

    Here are some golden rules to help with overstepping

    1) Parents do not have to parent with their ex’s new partner.

    Not going to lie, this one was a hard one for me to grasp first off. I expected a seat at the parenting table. My hunny demanded a seat at the parenting table for me. Unsurprisingly, his ex was not on board with that. It caused a huge amount of conflict. Now my feeling is…

    I’m very glad to step back and allow my partner and his ex to parent together outside our home. In our home, my partner and I parent together.

    Anita Inglis

    2) Stepparents do not have to parent with their partner’s ex.

    I saw a post recently accusing an ex and stepparent of parental alienation because the stepmum wasn’t getting permission from the mother before parenting in her home. People, that is not parental alienation, that is boundaries. If you are demanding people comply with your values and opinions in their home, you are the over stepper.

    3) You can only make the rules for your home

    In the ideal world, children would have the same expectations and similar experiences in each home. If people had the same values and expectations, they probably wouldn’t have gone their separate ways in the first place.

    People separate/divorce usually because they don’t agree on some fundamental issues. Expecting those differences to magically disappear when it comes to parenting in different houses, especially with new partners, seems naïve at best.

    4) Conflict between homes creates loyalty binds for children

    There is a huge difference between conflict and disagreement and pathogenic parenting/parental alienation. Unfortunately, there seems to be a lot of confusion as to what PAS is and people will accuse people setting boundaries and reacting to their overstepping of engaging in parental alienation.

    Look at what messages you are sending your children. Are you making it uncomfortable for them to be around you because of your attitudes to the family in the other house? Are you complaining about your ex or their partner overstepping? Are you demanding your ‘rights’ at the expense of both sides of the child’s family being able to participate or be involved?

    If you are, then you are the one creating the loyalty binds. In situation like this, children may reject you or choose the other house over you. Your attitude and the drama and discomfort it creates may mean the child seeks to limit time with you, so as not to be exposed to your upset and unkind words about people they love.

    5) Children don’t reject emotionally healthy parents who don’t abuse them without some form of coercion from an outside source.

    This is one of the foundational tenets of whether a child rejecting a parent is because of pathogenic parenting/alienation.

    • Emotionally healthy parents don’t attempt to control what happens in the other home.
    • Emotionally healthy parents don’t attempt to restrict the involvement their ex or their ex’s new partner in the children’s lives, unless there is abuse. Not doing what you want them to do is not abuse.
    • Emotionally healthy parents don’t make their children feel they have to choose who is going to be at an event to support them.

    If you feel like your ex or their partner is overstepping, take a moment to check your expectations.

    Am I trying to control what is happening in their home?

    Am I trying to control what role the new partner is playing in my children’s lives?

    Am I trying to control or do I believe I have the right to dictate/control?

    If the answer to any of these or similar questions is yes – you might the be one overstepping.

    If the answer is no, and you are dealing with a high conflict ex, check out this article for some ideas of how to manage that relationship more calmly

  • A Guide to Parallel Parenting with a High Conflict Ex

    A Guide to Parallel Parenting with a High Conflict Ex

    Everyone in a high conflict situation likes to think the difficult ex is a narcissist. Clinically diagnosed narcissists make up between 1 to 15% of the US population, so all of the ‘narcissistic exes’ are not all narcissists. The sad news is people don’t have to be narcissists to be challenging to parent with! 

    Letting go of the labeling and the name calling can be a vital first step towards finding peace in the parallel parenting world. We can step outside of the victim mode of dealing with someone we feel is impossible and start creating a world we can feel some control and autonomy – in our homes at least. But first we need to fully define parallel parenting and why it might be the ideal approach to a high-conflict situation.

    What is parallel parenting and why is it helpful when dealing with a narcissistic (or challenging) ex?

    Parallel parenting, very simply put, is your house,  your rules. The flip side of that, and one that people find less appealing, is that it also means their house, their rules. Parallel parenting means taking an inventory of the things that are within your control — for example, bedtimes in your home —and the things that are not, such as bedtimes in the other house.

    People with high conflict natures and personality disorders tend to crave conflict because conflict equals interaction and attention. Just like kids will sometimes act out even if the only response they will get is a negative one, those people who crave attention and interaction are happy to get your energy even if that energy is anger and resentment. Often, people with personality disorders and a predilection for drama have been fed negative attention as their dominant source of attention since childhood, so they don’t know any other way of doing or being.

    This is an important clue. We can unwittingly become a source of sustenance if we keep engaging with someone hooked on negative attention. Our attempts to diffuse, while well-intended, do little more than feed the addiction. In turn, we become frustrated because it doesn’t matter how reasonable we try to be. There is just no reasoning. 

    So now that we know what parallel parenting is, let’s talk about why it’s helpful during high-conflict situations. 

    Parallel parenting gives us the opportunity to take back our power and limit communication. 

    If we stick firmly to the idea that in our house we make the rules, all of the noise from that high conflict person surrounding what we are doing wrong, why we are bad parents, and why we should be doing things their way becomes just that — noise. I often tell my clients to channel a sassy old English woman when they are being hit with a tirade and respond in their heads, “That’s nice dear.” Those attempts to drag us into conflict don’t warrant or deserve our energy. We can keep our responses very brief and to the point, lacking in emotion, and pleasant. Check out the BIFF or Grey Rock responses for more information about this.

    What this means for the actual practice of parenting

    After many years of trying different methods, my hunny and I have found a process that works really well for us. He and I parent together in our house. We set the boundaries and the tone, we decide the consequences, and we enforce those consequences. There is zero expectation that our values, rules, or consequences will be supported in mum’s house. This also means that any rules, values, or consequences from her house stay there.

    If a child has had their device taken off them in either home, there is no expectation the other home will carry on that consequence. There are a couple of reasons we have chosen this approach. Firstly, there was no co-parenting in our situation. I’m talking zero communication about the most basic things like toilet training or nap times. It was a very high conflict situation, and the children were constantly being told how stupid and wrong we were by their mother. Thirdly, we didn’t agree with the fundamental parenting approach of the ex.

    So with all of that in mind, it would make zero sense to continue enforcing values and rules we don’t agree with. For example, one child might be scapegoated in one home, which is fairly common when narcissistic traits are present. They may consistently be punished for things that were not their fault, so why would we carry on that inequity? Switching home environments is hard, so it’s important that kids have perks here and there, like getting a fresh start.

    Outside of our home, when it comes to things like medical, legal, and education decisions, there are laws in place that put the responsibility of decision making on both parents. It can be incredibly difficult to do this when a high conflict ex refuses to co-parent on these matters. We have found that it requires consistent boundaries and accountability. 

    For example, one child in our stepfamily had blood tests recently. We waited and waited for the ex to inform my husband of the initial appointment and subsequent test results. In the end, he asked her outright. The response of “I just got the results back” was an outright lie, as we know she’s had them for weeks. She then gave a partial report. Is there any point in calling out the lie? No. However, it is important to keep holding her to account to share information. Each time we become aware of another breach, my husband will text requesting the information.

    Narcissistic or not, parents can get very territorial. They can become self-righteous and feel entitled to tell us how we should or shouldn’t be parenting. Parallel parenting gives us the option to “pay them no mind” when this happens! We can sit solidly in our decisions and the parenting we choose to perform in our own homes. 

    Protecting the couple relationship amid the drama

    A critical part of parallel parenting is focusing on your relationship with your partner. The couple relationship is the foundation of a stable step-family unit. It’s far too easy to let a high conflict person come between us. Find common ground and establish your own family culture that embodies your shared values as both a couple and your goals as a family unit.