Institute of Step-Family Dynamics

Tag: pandemic

  • Goal Setting That Works

    Goal Setting That Works

    This article was first published in Stepparentmagazine.com

    How many times have you set New Year’s Resolutions? How many have lasted beyond the first week in January? How many of them were building on celebrating your wins? How many were based around correcting your perceived faults?

    If you’re like most of us – the majority of your New Year resolutions did not last till the end of the year, and the bulk of them would have been to fix your ‘bad’ habits.

    What if we switched that up?

    What if we decided this year, this decade, we are going to base our goals on building on our strengths, on celebrating our skills and talents; on stepping into our most powerful selves…?

    So often our goals are based on comparison with others. They have more money, better stuff, nicer kids, happier families, better bodies…the list goes on and on. We see ourselves from a place of lack, of ‘could do better’, from a list of never-ending shoulds that we use to find ourselves wanting. Let’s make 2020 the year we kick that nonsense to the kerb. Let’s make 2020 the year we set ourselves up for feeling good about who we are and the journey we are on.

    Life is not a destination. We don’t have a perfect life once we achieve x, or buy y, or have z relationship. The only constant in life is change. Life is in a constant state of flux, unless we accept that the messy, imperfect state we are in right at this moment is actually ‘life’, we can miss it. We can get so caught up in trying to become something or someone, we forget to be.

    Being is all we have.

    We can aspire to make our ‘being’ more in alignment with our values. We can aspire to make our ‘being’ more joyful, productive, prosperous, healthy etc. What we need to remember is that that ‘more’ comes in increments, it sneaks up on us as we go about our lives. If we are active in pursuing our goals, the changes are small, gradual, sometimes almost imperceptible. Then BOOM – wow! We realise we are now going to the gym and enjoying it, or we have changed our eating habits and no longer think about how hard it is to give up the soda.

    It’s about being in the now, the small choices, the moments.

    So this year, choose to be you. Step into you. Embrace the being and be more of who and how you want to be in the world.

    I originally wrote this at the beginning of 2020, well before any of us realised what a shit show this year would turn out to be. The best laid plans were left as ashes as the global pandemic took hold. I’m publishing this towards the end of 2020 on my own blog. Everything I said back at the beginning of the year holds true now. We can start wherever and whenever we are. Deciding to step into ourselves without judgement may be the best gift we give ourselves in 2020. Or you might want to take this approach as you plan for 2021.

  • Step-Families in a Pandemic – Coping with Covid-19

    Step-Families in a Pandemic – Coping with Covid-19

    This article was first published in Stepparentmagazine.com at the beginning of the pandemic.

    Covid-19, or the Corona virus, is big news around the world. Schools are closing, borders are closing, toilet paper stocks are at all time lows. This is the perfect storm for step-family conflict. The support groups I am part of our blowing up with stories of parents wanting trips cancelled and being called unreasonable and parents bitterly disappointed at being asked to cancel plans and interpreting this as scaremongering and ways to create disconnects with the children.

    So let’s set aside the emotions and get practical.

    This is not a drill.

    This is not a hoax.

    This is not some political ploy created to make lots of money or get anyone voted out of office.

    This is the real deal.

    A pandemic.

    The World Health Organisation, who are not known for being panicked, have declared this is a world wide problem that needs proactive handling. The measures with which it will be handled are up to each country, so if countries are struggling to find approaches that work, how are families split over several houses going to manage?

    Here are some tips and guidelines:

    Follow the official directives.

    Crazy as it sounds, the official directives are there for a reason. It’s not about protecting your family, or whether you will be safe. It’s about the entire population and trying to ‘flatten the curve’. Without these measures the health system will be inundated with Covid-19 cases requiring hospitalisations. Think about how much stress the health systems are under just coping with existing health conditions, so imagine how impossible it will be if demand for services doubles, triples, quadruples. If you’re sceptical – have a read of this and check out the information about how the health system in Italy has been overrun.

    Be smart about resources.

    Yes, I know everyone is worried about running out of toilet paper and hand sanitiser, but these things will not keep you safe or your family fed if you are quarantined for 14 days. Money is also a factor for some families. If you are struggling to put food on the table at the best of times, trying to shop for an extra week or two can be mission impossible. Check out budget meal planners, make a menu and a list. Don’t buy more than you will need, I have heard of stores in the US being stripped bare.

    We think of being quarantined, but how many of us think about if we are sick while in the quarantine. Tins of beans and tomatoes are a great pantry filler, but are they something you will be able to manage to prepare if you are ill? I’ve stocked up on some packet pancake mix because I know the kids can make those. I’m usually a from scratch cook, but I’ve bought some risotto and other things that are heat and eat.

    What about medication? Have you got meds in stock for you and the children? What about paracetamol? Vitamins, chest rub etc? The time to get those things is now, before you need them.

    Be smart about the schedule.

    Now is not the time to be rigid about custody schedules. Lots of kids are off school. Some workplaces are closed and there are parents working from home. I know there are a load of work from home/at home stepmums right now terrified they are going to be landed with home schooling a load of kids because they are supposedly available.

    So what do families do when kids are sick or need to go into quarantine? Do the kids go from home to home, and therefore put 2 or more homes into quarantine as well? Or do they stay in the home they were quarantined to? Each family will have to work this out. It needs to be something that all adult family members, including stepparents are consulted about.

    Some possible discussion points are: who has vulnerable people in their home? Should the people in that home be exposed to people who have been exposed to risk of the virus? Who still needs to be able to go out to work? Should kids go and put the people in that home under quarantine, or does it make sense to restrict the risk?

    These are unusual times. The world won’t end if the kids spend 2 weeks in a row in one home. School work is not the end of the world. Be understanding if the tasks set aren’t done in the other home, you don’t know what pressures they are trying to handle right now.

    The universal advice so far…

    Wash your hands. Wash your hands. Wash your hands.

    That means wash them with soap. Wash them for about 20 seconds. Dry them.

    Wash them before preparing food. Wash them before eating. Wash them on coming into the house. Wash them after using the bathroom. Wash them after blowing your nose or sneezing.

    Wear a mask.

    Stay away from other people if you feel unwell, and get a test.

    Sneeze into your elbow.

    Limit physical contact – stop hugging/shaking hands etc with people outside your immediate family.

    Stop unnecessary travel – pretty much all travel now is unnecessary.

    Don’t flush wet wipes down the drain – it creates blockages and sanitary issues.

    Be kind – to yourself, people out and about, and damnit yes, even your difficult ex!

    Postscript: We are now over 18 months into this pandemic. New Zealand is experiencing it’s first nationwide level 4 (strictest) lockdown for over a year. We have been incredibly lucky till now.

    People in other countries are not doing so well. They are fatigued from dealing with Covid stress. It’s wearing people down and taking a toll. Old anxiety and depression foes are ramping up, relationships are bearing a toll.

    Don’t be afraid to reach out for help. I can guarantee you that it’s not your lack of coping skills, it’s incredibly difficult coping with the pandemic.

  • Coupling During Covid-19

    Coupling During Covid-19

    During a recent radio interview, I was asked by the journalist whether I thought the lock downs/stay at home orders were contributing to the break down of relationships. My honest answer is that the conditions and stressors created by the pandemic and various stay at home measure act like a pressure cooker and amplifies what is already there.

    Some couples are thriving. They are finding a new sense of togetherness and cohesion. This time of stepping outside the pressures and busyness of running around for children’s activities, work, social engagements etc has brought respite and a time to lean in to each other and the family.

    For other couples, it has brought into sharp relief the underlying issues around equity, entitlement, and that needs are not being met. It is those couples for whom this pandemic could bring about the end of the relationship. I don’t think the pandemic is the cause or the catalyst, I think it has just brought the disconnect into focus.

    It’s often about competing wants and needs. These past few weeks have been incredibly challenging for me as a therapist. Usually I am able to take competing wants and needs and find compromise and a way forward. The pandemic has created situations where there is no winning for some couples, because of factors outside of both of their control.

    If you have an ex who is refusing to follow social distancing, and immune compromised people in your home, there is no good choice or right answer. You either risk the life of the people in your home, or you forgo time with your child, or you move out of your home in order to be able to spend time with your child. I am seeing people in this situation over and over again. It’s hearbreaking. It sets up situations where the partner feels like their needs are secondary or the ex has all the control. It can lead to resentment and frustration that yet again the new family comes last or is being negatively impacted by the ex and the stepchildren.

    In a relationship that is solid, and each person feels their needs are being met, these events can be discussed and navigated. There will be an understanding that these are extraordinary times, beyond our individual control, and sacrifices and allowances need to be made.

    In a relationship where the relationship is already stretched and one or both are feeling like their needs aren’t being met, and they are not a priority, this can be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. To be asked to sacrifice yet again is just too much.

    So what can you do if you are struggling in your relationship right now?

    The first thing is to take stock and dig into what is behind the disconnect, the arguments, the feeling that it’s all too hard. If you look beyond the surface, you’ll find it’s things like not feeling heard, of not being a priority.

    If you’re a stepparent, it may be that you are being expected to take on a greater load of parenting, but are not being given the authority or permission to actually parent. You’re feeling like a glorified, unpaid babysitter. Babysitters would probably have an easier time because they wouldn’t get the same level of commentary about their performance!

    It could be feelings around not being a priority or not being in control of your own home. It could be old wounds from our past that are resurfacing in a time of stress and anxiety.

    The feelings maybe so tangled and overwhelming, you don’t even know where to begin!

    Whatever it is, if you are concerned your relationship is in trouble, now is the time to seek help. Look for a therapist or coach who is skilled in step-family dynamics. If your partner won’t get help with you, get it for yourself. I often start working with stepmums and then this naturally transitions into couple work. Getting professional help is always cheaper than separation and divorce!

    If you’d like some support with your relationship during this trying time, you can email me [email protected]