Institute of Step-Family Dynamics

Tag: step-family

A Guide to Parallel Parenting with a High Conflict Ex

Everyone in a high conflict situation likes to think the difficult ex is a narcissist. Clinically diagnosed narcissists make up between 1 to 15% of the US population, so all of the ‘narcissistic exes’ are not all narcissists. The sad news is people don’t have to be narcissists to be challenging to parent with!

Letting go of the labeling and the name calling can be a vital first step towards finding peace in the parallel parenting world. We can step outside of the victim mode of dealing with someone we feel is impossible and start creating a world we can feel some control and autonomy – in our homes at least. But first we need to fully define parallel parenting and why it might be the ideal approach to a high-conflict situation.

What is parallel parenting and why is it helpful when dealing with a narcissistic (or challenging) ex?

Parallel parenting, very simply put, is your house, your rules. The flip side of that, and one that people find less appealing, is that it also means their house, their rules. Parallel parenting means taking an inventory of the things that are within your control — for example, bedtimes in your home —and the things that are not, such as bedtimes in the other house.

People with high conflict natures and personality disorders tend to crave conflict because conflict equals interaction and attention. Just like kids will sometimes act out even if the only response they will get is a negative one, those people who crave attention and interaction are happy to get your energy even if that energy is anger and resentment. Often, people with personality disorders and a predilection for drama have been fed negative attention as their dominant source of attention since childhood, so they don’t know any other way of doing or being.

This is an important clue. We can unwittingly become a source of sustenance if we keep engaging with someone hooked on negative attention. Our attempts to diffuse, while well-intended, do little more than feed the addiction. In turn, we become frustrated because it doesn’t matter how reasonable we try to be. There is just no reasoning.

So now that we know what parallel parenting is, let’s talk about why it’s helpful during high-conflict situations.

Parallel parenting gives us the opportunity to take back our power and limit communication.

If we stick firmly to the idea that in our house we make the rules, all of the noise from that high conflict person surrounding what we are doing wrong, why we are bad parents, and why we should be doing things their way becomes just that — noise. I often tell my clients to channel a sassy old English woman when they are being hit with a tirade and respond in their heads, “That’s nice dear.” Those attempts to drag us into conflict don’t warrant or deserve our energy. We can keep our responses very brief and to the point, lacking in emotion, and pleasant. Check out the BIFF or Grey Rock responses for more information about this.

What this means for the actual practice of parenting

After many years of trying different methods, my hunny and I have found a process that works really well for us. He and I parent together in our house. We set the boundaries and the tone, we decide the consequences, and we enforce those consequences. There is zero expectation that our values, rules, or consequences will be supported in mum’s house. This also means that any rules, values, or consequences from her house stay there.

If a child has had their device taken off them in either home, there is no expectation the other home will carry on that consequence. There are a couple of reasons we have chosen this approach. Firstly, there was no co-parenting in our situation. I’m talking zero communication about the most basic things like toilet training or nap times. It was a very high conflict situation, and the children were constantly being told how stupid and wrong we were by their mother. Thirdly, we didn’t agree with the fundamental parenting approach of the ex.

So with all of that in mind, it would make zero sense to continue enforcing values and rules we don’t agree with. For example, one child might be scapegoated in one home, which is fairly common when narcissistic traits are present. They may consistently be punished for things that were not their fault, so why would we carry on that inequity? Switching home environments is hard, so it’s important that kids have perks here and there, like getting a fresh start.

Outside of our home, when it comes to things like medical, legal, and education decisions, there are laws in place that put the responsibility of decision making on both parents. It can be incredibly difficult to do this when a high conflict ex refuses to co-parent on these matters. We have found that it requires consistent boundaries and accountability.

For example, one child in our stepfamily had blood tests recently. We waited and waited for the ex to inform my husband of the initial appointment and subsequent test results. In the end, he asked her outright. The response of “I just got the results back” was an outright lie, as we know she’s had them for weeks. She then gave a partial report. Is there any point in calling out the lie? No. However, it is important to keep holding her to account to share information. Each time we become aware of another breach, my husband will text requesting the information.

Narcissistic or not, parents can get very territorial. They can become self-righteous and feel entitled to tell us how we should or shouldn’t be parenting. Parallel parenting gives us the option to “pay them no mind” when this happens! We can sit solidly in our decisions and the parenting we choose to perform in our own homes.

Protecting the couple relationship amid the drama

A critical part of parallel parenting is focusing on your relationship with your partner. The couple relationship is the foundation of a stable step-family unit. It’s far too easy to let a high conflict person come between us. Find common ground and establish your own family culture that embodies your shared values as both a couple and your goals as a family unit.

31 October 2022
3 Simple Steps To Avoid Mother’s Day Misery

Most years I put out a PSA on social media for mums and stepmums prior to Mother’s Day. This year I thought an entire blog might be more helpful.

I do this because there are very few days in the year that can bring as much misery, resentment, and pain to women as Mother’s Day. It’s such a hyped up occasion where our families are supposed to shower us in bounty and praise enough to make all of our sacrifices and pain fade away into distant memory. We are supposed to bask in a warm bath of love and appreciation.

With such overblown expectations, cultivated by media and conditioning, is it any wonder that so many of us end the day hiding in some part of the house in tears?

Mother’s Day can be particularly challenging for those who haven’t been able to give birth or adopt children of their own. Childless stepmothers often find this a time of enormous pain. They are reminded of the children they don’t have in their families and feel they will never be seen as a ‘real’ Mother by their stepchildren and possibly even by their partner.

For mothers who don’t have their children with them on Mother’s Day, the day can bring up many insecurities and unhappy feelings around another woman playing a significant role in mothering their children, not a situation most mothers imagined when they became mothers. For stepmothers whose stepchildren are with their mothers for Mother’s Day, it can be another painful reminder we are not a ‘real’ mother.

So how do we change the way the day plays out and avoid as much misery as possible?

Here are 3 simple steps.

1) Figure out what YOU want the day to look and feel like.

Do you want to be celebrated? If so, how? What would your ideal Mother’s Day look like?

I’ve had many different Mother’s Days over the years and some of my best have been time out from mothering. It’s ok to say – actually the best thing I can imagine for Mother’s day is a night in a hotel by myself, or a day out with friends. It’s also ok to say – I need all of the things; breakfast in bed, chocolates, flowers, a lunch out, a day off cooking…the what is not important. What’s important is that it’s what you want out of the day.

2) Communicate your needs

Yes, we actually need to tell people what we want and need!

I remember the first Mother’s Day I spent with my ex-husband. My first Mother’s Day I had been alone in a different country, away from family and friend, as a single parent. The only thing that was special about the day was my first Mother’s Day was just like any other Sunday. For the next one, I was full of excitement about actually being celebrated as a mother by my child and partner. The big day arrived and there was nothing. Not a card, no flowers, not even breakfast in bed. I was devastated.

When I asked why there was no Mother’s Day thing happening, the response was: We never did Mother’s Day for my mum. I was shocked. Mother’s Day was really important in our family.

So the lesson was, don’t just assume your partner will know what you want or need!

We talked about it, and from then on, he was amazing at making sure the kids celebrated me for Mother’s Day. Even after we broke up, he would take the kids to buy a gift. One year, even after I had repartnered, he came down and cooked me breakfast in bed for me with the kids.

3) Be prepared to change your ideas around what’s important

As a young mum, Mother’s Day was really important. As I’ve got older and feel more solid in my role, I don’t need the same recognition on the day. I know being appreciated and loved is not always about the big moments artifically driven by consumerism. I know it’s the little moments; the cups of tea, the help when I don’t ask, the unexpected phone call or visit. Those are the things that make me feel most loved and appreciated. I’m in my 30^th year of parenting now, so I’ve had plenty of celebrations over the years!

I’m not suggesting it’s wrong or silly to want all of the things on Mother’s Day. My husband is not into commercialised holidays or events. We’ve talked about some of the reasons why, and I’ve found over the years I’ve come to adopt more of his views on these things. It’s less stressful and way less expensive! Our family values have evolved over the years, and part of the step-family dynamic is incorporating new ways of celebrating.

If your partner is not into celebrating and isn’t up to accommodating your wants and needs around Mother’s Day, it might be time to figure out how to celebrate yourself instead. Buy the flowers, treat yourself, take a break away. Fill your cup in the way you want it filled, we don’t have to rely on others to do it for us.

However you want this Mother’s Day to be, please don’t leave it to chance and hope and pray your loved ones will magically get it right.

Create the day and celebration you want and deserve.

24 April 2022
No Shortcuts in Step-Family Dynamics

Recently I have been in the middle of setting a lot of new technology for my business.

Recently I have sworn a lot and cried more than usual.

Those two things are directly linked.

The big problem, as I eventually discovered, was that I wasn’t following the steps I needed to in order to achieve my goal. I thought I could just wing my way through. I thought I knew what the different bits of the site did. I thought wrong.

It’s been very hard to have to go back to basics, to start right from the very beginning.

I’m not going to lie. I don’t like it!

I’m older now, I know a little about a lot of things, and usually this knowledge is enough for me to fumble my way through things.

This time it was not.

So I started at the beginning. I watched YouTube video after YouTube video. I had to go back many times and rewatch, because I had zoned out or played with my phone, or otherwise disengaged. I’m not used to have to pay that much attention to get the gist of what I am watching. It’s a source of great amusement to my family that I listen to movies while I play games on my phone. This time I needed to really pay attention and focus on what was being offered and taught.

Coming into a new family dynamic can be a similar experience to learning a new skill.

We think we know what we need to know. I mean it’s family, right?!? How hard can it be?

Turns out, it can be very hard. It can take us to the point of swearing a lot and crying more than usual. It can be very humbling to discover there are many things we didn’t know we didn’t know.

There are some statistics floating about that state it takes about 5 to 7 years for a step-family to integrate and form a new, functioning family unit.

It will surprise none of you who have read this far that I thought I could take short cuts and make it happen a lot faster.

Spoiler alert: it did not.

No amount of me deciding it would be different made it happen.

There were no shortcuts.

People need time to adjust. People need time to grieve for what they have lost. Step-families are founded on loss of another family unit. It takes time for people to get to know each other and find common ground, then appreciation, and finally sometimes even love.

And just like I am having to accept when it comes to grappling with unfamiliar technology, maybe there might be some new learning and doing involved to get to a place of it all functioning well…there is also some new learning and doing involved in establishing a new family culture that works. Sometimes we need to bring in some expert help, sometimes we need to reach out to a support group. Sometimes we just need to accept that things are not going to happen on our arbitrary timeline.

Is it time for you to reframe your expectations about how your step-family is evolving? Is it time to reach out for some professional help?

16 November 2021
All is not Fair in Step-Family Chores

Chores…that simple word can strike fear into the heart of most step-family members, parents and children alike. Chores are a struggle in first families, but step-family dynamics add a whole other level of challenges.

As I allude to in the title, there is no fair in chores in a step-family and recognising and accepting that is key to making chores manageable. There are so many variables that there is also no one size fits all approach. Blending families is something that takes time. Blending beliefs around chores may be mission impossible for some families, they may need to start from scratch and create a whole new set of values and beliefs.

Take a good look at where your family is at.

This can be a little painful. We all like to think we are like the Brady Bunch (and who wouldn’t love an Alice!), but the reality is often quite different. You may have two or more sets of children who are used to very different parenting styles and requirements around their contribution to the household. One parent will be seen as overly strict and unreasonable, and the other parent labelled permissive and slack. How on earth do you get on the same page when the values around chores are so different?

Creating a family culture based on shared values in a good start. Each parent might need to look at the ‘why’ of their expectations. Often we hold values around chores that stem from our own upbringing, rather than as a conscious construction of family values. Looking into the why can be quite revealing and make us question how important and relevant our expectations really are.

Be realistic about capacity.

The demands on kids who are dealing with transitioning between homes are far greater than kids who only have to deal with one set of house rules and parenting styles. We all know transition can be a nightmare time for families; for both the kids and the parents. Knowing this, we need to be smart about our expectations of family members during this time.

Expecting kids to land in your home and jump straight into chores can be setting our family up for conflict and failure. Take a moment to think how you feel when you are juggling conflicting emotions and expectations. Are you emotionally available to handle the demands of others? Are you filled with the joy of giving and being a team member? Or are you at the edge of your coping just getting through the day?

Kids who are in your home more will be more comfortable and familiar with your family expectations and values than kids whose dominant experience is with another family structure and set of values. It’s not just unreasonable to expect the same level of engagement from both sets of kids, it’s setting everyone up for failure. Kids who are there for a weekend are going to be dealing with a lot of feelings around transition. Their bandwidth for extra is not going to be the same as kids for whom your home is their main home. Figuring out how to adjust expectations is key for engagement and success around managing chores.

If we, as adults, struggle with this just imagine how much harder it is for kids. We have some semblance of control over our time and the demands on our time and resource. Kids very often do not. Imagine how it feels when you are already over peak capacity and someone demands you do some laundry or dishes. Is it any wonder that sometimes our kids are not compliant when it comes to chores? One article can’t answer all of the questions around how to manage chores in a step-family dynamic. This article is the first in a series around chores, so keep an eye out for the next instalments! Hopefully this has helped remove some of the expectations around being able to make things fair and an encouragement to look at the whys around chores in your home.

29 August 2021
Stepmums Stepping In for Happiness…

One of the pieces of advice I often see given to stepmums is to step back.

They’re not your kids, step back and leave the bio parents to do the parenting. It’s not bad advice, but it is advice I’ve seen leave stepmums feeling disconnected from their families and powerless in their own homes. I’ve seen it lead to stepmums feeling they quite literally hate their stepkids, and their relationship is doomed.

Being a stepmum is like dancing the Hokey Tokey – step in, no not that far – you’re overstepping. Step back, no not that far – you don’t care about your stepkids, you’re an awful person. Love those kids like your own, no not that much, that’s their mother’s role – how dare you try and replace her!!

And round, and round, and round we go…Dizzy and exhausted with trying to contort ourselves into just the right amount of stepping in and stepping back to make everyone happy.

There is our first mistake.

There is no ‘making everyone happy’. It’s a mission in futility that most often ends in abject misery on our end.

How about we start with the idea that it’s our job to make ourselves happy.

*GASP*

SAY WHAT NOW?!?! We are supposed to make our own happiness a priority? What about the kids? What about my partner? What will the mum think?

Putting our happiness in the hands of someone else is such a dangerous game to play, for our own wellbeing and also for the wellbeing of our relationship. We are unconsciously setting our partners up to fail. We’re expecting them to know what we need, when we need it, and exactly how we need it.

How on earth are they supposed to manage that?

Yet, when we expect our partners to parent alone and to parent in the way we think the children should be parented, we are doing exactly that.

I’ve seen so many stepmothers go from hating their stepkids to enjoying healthy, happy, loving relationships with their stepkids through stepping in.

What do I mean when I say ‘stepping in’?

Lots of times we talk about stepping up as part of becoming more of an active stepparent, but I prefer the idea of stepping in. It’s about moving into the family circle; it’s about creating a closer connection.

Parenting is usually seen as how we mould kids to become functioning adults. We are teaching them who and how to be in the world and giving them skills to navigate life; that role is definitely the responsibility of the bioparents. As stepparents we can be co-pilots, but the main course setting and navigating needs to come from the bioparents.

So, if the bioparents are in charge of that, what can stepparents be in charge of?

Their own happiness in their homes.

I correct the children for eating with their mouths open. I can hear a kid chew with an open mouth 2 rooms away. It is definitely in my top 10 triggers. My husband has a 50% hearing loss, he couldn’t care less, he can’t hear it. I am in charge of telling kids to close their mouths while eating. Not because I want them to have good manners, but because it drives me nuts when they don’t. I take responsibility for making sure my home environment works for me. The stepping back advice would be to eat separately. I’m not going to be pushed out of eating with my family because kids haven’t learned to eat with their mouth closed.

See how that works?

The priority is me ensuring that my home works for me. It’s an absolute bonus that the kids learn some basic table manners at the same time, but it’s not the end goal; my happiness and calm is.

So often we expect our partners to care about the things that make us unhappy, when those things are not a priority for them. How would we feel if we kept being asked to tell kids off for things we don’t really care about, on top of telling them off for the things we do? How difficult would it be to catch them doing something we know upsets our partners, when we have become numb to it and have learned to tune it out? How frustrating and soul destroying to be in conflict with our partner because we just can’t parent how they think we should?

It’s a double whammy. Our partners are caught in the middle, between an angry partner and resentful kids. Throw in an angry ex who is challenging why our partner is suddenly changing the rules…it’s a perfect storm of chaos and resentment.

What does this mean in practical terms?

It means it’s ok to ask kids to upskill their table manners, it’s ok to ask them to say please and thank you, it’s ok to ask them to pick up things and put them away. Exactly where this line starts and ends needs to be something you and your partner agree on. If your partner insists you can have no say in how things work in your home regarding the children and their behaviour, it is probably time to call in some expert help. Expecting you to live in a home where you have zero input in how it runs is not usually sustainable in my experience.

While all of this might sound reasonable and doable, how do we prevent stepparent burnout while stepping in?

I am very familiar with overextending myself when it comes to trying to make up for what I saw as deficits in the parenting of the children. For a long time I felt like I needed to make up for the things the children had not been taught or given by their bioparents. Finally – I got it.

As stepparents we can’t be more invested than the bioparents are.

Read that again.

If it’s not a priority for the bioparents, we can’t expect to create sustainable change in our family. I’m talking big things here, like homework, chores, behaviour. The smaller things, like close your mouth or pick up your stuff, those things we can manage to a level that works for us. Being invested in kids getting a good education and being on task, those are the things where bioparents need to take the lead.

So if you’re feeling powerless in your home, or as if the stepkids will be the death or you or at least your relationship, what can you do to take back your power and make your needs and happiness your priority?

22 July 2020
Coupling During Covid-19

During a recent radio interview, I was asked by the journalist whether I thought the lock downs/stay at home orders were contributing to the break down of relationships. My honest answer is that the conditions and stressors created by the pandemic and various stay at home measure act like a pressure cooker and amplifies what is already there.

Some couples are thriving. They are finding a new sense of togetherness and cohesion. This time of stepping outside the pressures and busyness of running around for children’s activities, work, social engagements etc has brought respite and a time to lean in to each other and the family.

For other couples, it has brought into sharp relief the underlying issues around equity, entitlement, and that needs are not being met. It is those couples for whom this pandemic could bring about the end of the relationship. I don’t think the pandemic is the cause or the catalyst, I think it has just brought the disconnect into focus.

It’s often about competing wants and needs. These past few weeks have been incredibly challenging for me as a therapist. Usually I am able to take competing wants and needs and find compromise and a way forward. The pandemic has created situations where there is no winning for some couples, because of factors outside of both of their control.

If you have an ex who is refusing to follow social distancing, and immune compromised people in your home, there is no good choice or right answer. You either risk the life of the people in your home, or you forgo time with your child, or you move out of your home in order to be able to spend time with your child. I am seeing people in this situation over and over again. It’s hearbreaking. It sets up situations where the partner feels like their needs are secondary or the ex has all the control. It can lead to resentment and frustration that yet again the new family comes last or is being negatively impacted by the ex and the stepchildren.

In a relationship that is solid, and each person feels their needs are being met, these events can be discussed and navigated. There will be an understanding that these are extraordinary times, beyond our individual control, and sacrifices and allowances need to be made.

In a relationship where the relationship is already stretched and one or both are feeling like their needs aren’t being met, and they are not a priority, this can be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. To be asked to sacrifice yet again is just too much.

So what can you do if you are struggling in your relationship right now?

The first thing is to take stock and dig into what is behind the disconnect, the arguments, the feeling that it’s all too hard. If you look beyond the surface, you’ll find it’s things like not feeling heard, of not being a priority.

If you’re a stepparent, it may be that you are being expected to take on a greater load of parenting, but are not being given the authority or permission to actually parent. You’re feeling like a glorified, unpaid babysitter. Babysitters would probably have an easier time because they wouldn’t get the same level of commentary about their performance!

It could be feelings around not being a priority or not being in control of your own home. It could be old wounds from our past that are resurfacing in a time of stress and anxiety.

The feelings maybe so tangled and overwhelming, you don’t even know where to begin!

Whatever it is, if you are concerned your relationship is in trouble, now is the time to seek help. Look for a therapist or coach who is skilled in step-family dynamics. If your partner won’t get help with you, get it for yourself. I often start working with stepmums and then this naturally transitions into couple work. Getting professional help is always cheaper than separation and divorce!

If you’d like some support with your relationship during this trying time, you can email me [email protected]

23 April 2020
Beyond Repair?

We have some dining chairs that have seen better days. I’ve spent months trying to justify replacing them with something new and fancy. Between my scrooge-like and greenie tendencies, buying new chairs when we have perfectly serviceable ones is a hard sell. Too hard, it seems.

So I decided that I would repair the 17 year old chairs. They are plywood and some of the laminate had begun to lift. Between that and the varnish that was very patchy, some wood putty and a paint job seemed like the solution. They may well last another 17 years and the trials of 7 children and associated family and friends.

Yesterday I broke out the wood putty I’d purchased the day before. I didn’t get the tiny tin because I knew there were quite a few of the 6 chairs needing repairs. I puttied up the first chair. Easy! I then went looking for the next one.

Nope, not that one. Nope, nope, nope, nope. Wait what? I went round again inspecting more slowly.

Oh my goodness! The falling apart dining chairs was in fact a single chair. I have spent the last couple of years solid in the belief my set of dining room chairs were on their last legs. This was absolutely a false belief.

One single chair had 2 areas of peeling laminate. A quick run over with wood putty sorted it out. I have put this off for so long because it seemed like such a daunting job! The sanding and painting will take some time, for sure. But the repairing of the broken chair…quite literally took a couple of minutes.

It set me to musing.

How often do we feel something is very broken, or will take a huge amount to repair, or needs replacing, when it is actually a simple fix. I was sorting clothes with one of my daughters, her favourite top had a pull in the fabric, she was about to get rid of it. I said I could fix it. I pulled the threads back through. It was fiddly. I swore a bit, but in the end, she had her top back. A top that previously she had thought was lost to her.

These simple repair jobs remind me of my work, especially relationship work. People usually wait to seek help when the wheels are falling off. Things are so bad they have come to the realisation they need help. Often the first session is filled with expressions of hopelessness and fear the relationship can’t be repaired. There seems to be so much wrong.

As we work together and unpack what the issues are, the number of chairs that are damaged lessens. We begin to see the problem is often the same issue, it just wears lots of outfits and manifests itself in different ways. Fixing it is not the huge job it seems, because it is a single problem, not a whole dining suite.

Focusing on what is broken or what is wrong can lead us to believe things are hopeless or broken beyond repair. Someone with the ability to see the larger picture than the everyday disconnects can see a pattern and identify the common thread. They can see it can be a relatively simple fix. A relationship that seems broken can be mended with the right skills, knowledge, and tools.

Relationships can be hard work, they can feel unfixable. Just like the top and the chair, very often they can be repaired. If you are wondering how you can repair your relationship, contact me on [email protected] and we can discuss a repair or maintenance plan for you and your partner.

16 April 2019