Institute of Step-Family Dynamics

Category: Coping with Covid-19

  • Kids’ Rooms in the Step-Dynamic

    Kids’ Rooms in the Step-Dynamic

    This article was first published in Stepparentmagazine.com

    One of the reasons I wanted to contribute a lifestyle section to Stepparent magazine was because there are so many nuances and subtleties to stepfamily life that aren’t covered by conventional lifestyle advice. One of these is kids’ rooms, especially kids who aren’t full time in your home. How do we manage our expectations around kids who are only there for part of the time versus our expectations of kids who spend the bulk of their time there? Should part-time kids have the same level of resource as full-time kids? Should full-time kids have to share a room because the other room is being used a couple of times a month by a sibling? I can’t answer all of those questions in one article, and more importantly there is no one answer! What I am going to do in this article is share how we manage bedrooms for our kids.

    This month has been an unusually busy one. I’ve taken on extra projects, my husband has been on call more, and we have both been sick and then taken the kids away for a long weekend. Our house is showing the lack of love. One thing I have noticed is that if the house is not showing the love, the state of tidiness deteriorates rapidly. A case in point is our bathroom. It had not been given a good scrub down for a few weeks, Dirty clothes were being left in there, towels on the floor. This past weekend I gave it a good spring clean. Miraculously this week the bathroom is so much tidier. Care is being taken not to leave stuff around and to keep it clean.

    Kids take their lead from us. So, if the rest of our house is showing signs of neglect, you can bet your bottom dollar their rooms will reflect it. I went into the kids’ rooms the other day and took stock. It was not pleasant. It wasn’t over the top gross. It was just a general lack of care and respect for their things. It was a total reflection of the rest of the house. We had been away for the weekend and they then rushed off to school and back to their mum’s the next day, but there have been other times this happened and their rooms were left immaculate.

    Sometimes I will decide to clean for them. Not because I think it’s my job or because they aren’t capable, but because I feel the mess is a reflection of me not setting boundaries and asking them to participate in cleaning their rooms. This time it’s not the case. This time they had been asked repeatedly, and chosen not to comply, and I had been too busy to follow through. So, this time, they will sort their rooms out. It’s not a punishment. There won’t be a telling off or shaming around the mess. The conversation will go ‘Hey guys, this has all got a bit out of control, we need to have a sort out and make it a bit more manageable for you.’

    One thing I have learned in 20 odd years of parenting is that telling kids to clean their room is rarely effective. If we get overwhelmed looking at a mess, you can guarantee that overwhelm is almost paralysing for a child. I break it down into tasks.

    Hey kiddo, just go through your drawers and make sure they are all sorted out before you try and put the clean washing away.

    Have a look in your wardrobe and pick up any clothes that have fallen down, sort out the shoes, and then hang up the clean washing.

    Make your bed and then have a look under it for any randoms, then it will be easy to vacuum.

    And so on…

    The standards between their mum’s house and mine are very different. There is no right or wrong, there is just different. So how is it for kids who have to deal with different expectations between their homes? Is it ok to have different expectations and expect kids to follow them?

    My answer to that is YES! Kids have different school teachers most years. Each teacher has different standards and expectations. Kids manage those quite adequately. They know – Mrs X expects me to do this, Mr Y wants it done this way. Kids also know grandparents have different rules and expectations and manage accordingly. It’s no different for them switching between homes.

    Our kids will hear ‘Is it to my standard?’ when they tell me they have made their bed. Usually the response will be ‘Yes’, when I answer ‘Cool, I’m coming to check, do you need a minute?’ the answer will also often be yes. This is key, I follow through. If I ask for something to be done, I know the chances are it won’t be. Three kids versus one mum means they have learned they can fly under the radar and get away with not doing things. Of course they are going to try that here! They aren’t being naughty or disrespectful, they are being kids.

    So to wrap up – it’s ok to have different standards and expectations. It’s ok to expect part-time kids to manage their rooms, they may also need some help sometimes. We set the standards, so if we let things slip, it’s going to be reflected in our kids spaces too. Make specific requests and follow through. This is more important with part-time kids, because they don’t have the patterning set to immediately mesh with your expectations. They need reminders.

  • The Chores of Self-Care

    The Chores of Self-Care

    This article was originally published in Stepparentmagazine.com

    It seems counter-intuitive to lump chores and self-care in the same sentence, right?!? Isn’t self-care about fun, luxury, the chocolate cake in the bath? What is fun or luxurious about chores?

    For a long time I thought self-care was about indulgence. Indulging my wounded child, not doing the things that seemed boring or onerous. It was about bunking off from doing the things that I didn’t like doing. I’m going to self-care by watching a movie instead of doing the washing or cleaning the house. Self-care was a get out of jail free card. I’m not doing the things, I’m choosing self-care *shines halo*. Except that approach to self-care didn’t really seem to improve my life. Sure, it seemed fun at the time, some of the time. The problem was after I emerged from my cocoon of indulgence, all of the crappy stuff I had been avoiding was still there. A soak in the bath tub did nothing towards reducing chaos at home or making me feel any better about the things I was escaping.

    Let’s take a look at what the goal of self-care is.

    It’s about making our needs a priority, and doing what we need to meet those needs.

    Let’s say that again for those scarfing down the chocolate bar in the vain hope they will feel cared for and nurtured by indulging the inner chocolate fiend…

    Self-care is about making our needs a priority and doing what needs to be done to meet them.

    So I guess the first step towards self-care is figuring out what are the needs are in that moment, or perhaps more importantly, what our unmet needs are. What is it that we need to take care of for ourselves? What is draining resource or leaving us depleted? What do we need to do in order to top up our resources?

    Sometimes it is a good soak in the bath, listening to our favourite music, sipping on a beverage of choice with a tray of snacks, and a good book. Sometimes it is taking a moment to have a cup of tea and a treat, to sit down and stare out of the window while feeling the warmth of the cup in our hand and the delicious indulgence of a treat.

    It’s not always pretty this self-care gig though. Sometimes it’s dragging ourselves to yoga or the gym, when we really, really don’t want to go. Other times, it might be loading the dishwasher before heading out for the day, putting that last load of washing in the dryer before bed. It might be cooking dinner when your whole being is crying out for unhealthy take out.

    I had a week of that last week, the non-glamourous, non-indulgent self-care. I lay in bed after a night of broken sleep, desperately trying to convince myself that going back to sleep before my client session was a better idea than going to anti-gravity yoga. I battled. It was a huge dilemma as to which would be better self-care in that moment. In the end, I decided dragging my aching body along from some stretching was probably going to be of more benefit that lying in bed for another hour or two. I was right, it was. I felt invigorated after yoga. I would not have felt invigorated after a bit more sleep

    When it came time for dinner that night, I didn’t want to cook. I had taken meat out the day before and it needed to be cooked that night or thrown away. My husband was too sick to cook, so it left me. Damn it, where was an adultier adult when I needed one!?! I decided to watch the cooking show I like before I dragged myself into the kitchen to begrudgingly make dinner. It was enough for me to make an effort, we had delicious pork chops on a bed of apple, celery, and onion with sweet wine sauce. The dinner was nurturing, nutritious, and I felt a quiet sense of achievement at the end.

    If I had gone down the indulgent, avoidant ‘self-care’ path that day, I would have ended it feeling like a failure, like my life was out of control, and filled with physical pain. It turns out that sometimes the best self-care is doing the things that feel like work. I’m still a fan of the long bath with music and a cup of tea, I’ll indulge in a massage when time and budget affords. Making time to meet up with friends, reading a book, going for a walk…all of these things are part of a good self-care regime, but don’t forget the satisfaction of a task completed or a life enhancing choice.

  • Giving Space – Relationship Tip

    Giving Space – Relationship Tip

    So often I hear from clients – s/he was not happy when I expressed my boundary, or s/he gets so mad when I say what I need. My answer is consistently – well of course!

    Who likes being told no or that something that works for them needs to change, or that they have disappointed their partner. Absolutely no-one – that’s who!

    One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned is I have learned to give space to my hunny when he is not feeling the love. He hates upsetting or disappointing me and when he hears something that indicates that, he will often shut down and seem really grumpy.

    Today is a case in point. I bought a caravan/trailer to be converted into my office 6 months ago. The plan was for it to be done in a month. My husband got really sick, we moved house. Six months later I’m close to the end of month 3 of working out of our bedroom.

    My darling had grand plans for how he would build everything from scratch for me. He has completely gutted the interior, insulated it, relined it etc. We are now down to the wire and I have a goal of being in by the end of next weekend. His goal is to paint this week and be making shelving and a desk next weekend.

    I have been reading articles on home offices and scrolling pinterest for months. Today I saw an article that was a game changer. Track shelving!! Why didn’t I think of this before? Mainly because I associated it with dodgy commercial building outfits and thought it looked cheap and nasty. My eyes were opened to the possibility. My brain went – this doesn’t require much building and zero painting. I could be moving my stuff in next weekend!!

    The response from my darling was muted at best. I had, quite frankly, pissed on his parade. His vision of what he was creating for me just got shoved sideways in a big way. I asked, far too many times, if he was ok. He said he was fine in the ‘I am not fine but please just leave me alone’ way I know too well.

    So I did just that. I gave him space. I researched and found the best place to go and look. I went to go call him about desk leg options and saw I had missed a call. It was a call asking about where I wanted to go to buy shelving.

    He had taken the time and given himself space to process the change in plan and was ready to show up and support me. Giving him space to do that gave him time to get there without us experiencing a disconnect.

    When we change plans suddenly or switch up what we expect, it’s important we give our partners space to process and adjust. If we make a request that isn’t their favourite, we need to give them time to feel angry or upset or hurt. Expecting someone to jump for joy and be immediately on board is not only unrealistic, it’s also unreasonable.

    PS – this approach also works well for boundary setting! Just rinse and repeat.

  • Take The Trip To Angerville, Just Don’t Move There…

    Take The Trip To Angerville, Just Don’t Move There…

    Memes about how it’s all just a matter of a positive attitude abound. I know I’ve posted a few myself. I do believe that so much of our life experience is dependent on how we chose to frame it. There is a huge element of perception involved in how bad a negative experience can be.

    But, and this is a huge but – trying to be positive all the time is not healthy.

    I’m going to repeat that in a different way, in case you missed it. Denying your negative experiences and feelings is not healthy.

    I used to be so angry with the mother of my stepchildren. I hated her, and then I hated myself for allowing myself to hate her. I was torn as to who I hated most – her for the behaviour I saw as so abhorrent or me for not being able to let go and my anger. I ended up making myself physically ill, I carried so much stress and tension in my body, I was in incredible pain.

    My anger at myself for feeling, what were at the time, congruent feelings was what was making me ill. If I had allowed myself to feel the anger and frustration, instead of fighting it and beating myself up for it, the feelings would have passed far more quickly and easily.

    Instead, I felt so lost and alienated from the person I had thought I was and the person I felt I should be.

    Anger is an important feeling. One we need to be grateful for and pay attention to. Anger tells us when our boundaries have been crossed. It tells us when we are not honouring ourselves or are allowing others to dishonour or respect us. Anger is one of the most important tools in our toolbox when it comes to keeping ourselves safe.

    I spoke to a friend the other night who had hit breaking point. She had just had enough, she felt it was too much to go on and she felt ashamed and weak because of those feelings.

    It was at that moment I realised just how dangerous these exhortations to maintain positivity at all times are, how shaming the idea that your problems are down to your attitude and just changing your thinking will change your world.

    Guess what, we all have moments when we reach our limit.

    Every single one of us. What we often don’t have is a safe space to share those moments.

    We don’t have enough people saying – guess what, your response is completely congruent with the entirely crappy situation you are dealing with. Rage, cry, scream and blame the world and those in your world who are causing you pain.

    We need to have those kinds of conversations more often. People need to understand their pain and suffering is not their fault or a result of a crappy, weak attitude or mind. We also need to let people know these times will pass. Life will move on, the pain of this current situation will change.

    It’s here that for me the rubber hits the road.

    It’s what we do with those painful experiences that defines our lives.

    When we see these times as calls to action, as times when we are being pushed to look at our lives and figure out what is causing us pain…we can make sure our visits to Pity Town don’t turn into long term stays or end up with us being trapped there.

  • Goal Setting That Works

    Goal Setting That Works

    This article was first published in Stepparentmagazine.com

    How many times have you set New Year’s Resolutions? How many have lasted beyond the first week in January? How many of them were building on celebrating your wins? How many were based around correcting your perceived faults?

    If you’re like most of us – the majority of your New Year resolutions did not last till the end of the year, and the bulk of them would have been to fix your ‘bad’ habits.

    What if we switched that up?

    What if we decided this year, this decade, we are going to base our goals on building on our strengths, on celebrating our skills and talents; on stepping into our most powerful selves…?

    So often our goals are based on comparison with others. They have more money, better stuff, nicer kids, happier families, better bodies…the list goes on and on. We see ourselves from a place of lack, of ‘could do better’, from a list of never-ending shoulds that we use to find ourselves wanting. Let’s make 2020 the year we kick that nonsense to the kerb. Let’s make 2020 the year we set ourselves up for feeling good about who we are and the journey we are on.

    Life is not a destination. We don’t have a perfect life once we achieve x, or buy y, or have z relationship. The only constant in life is change. Life is in a constant state of flux, unless we accept that the messy, imperfect state we are in right at this moment is actually ‘life’, we can miss it. We can get so caught up in trying to become something or someone, we forget to be.

    Being is all we have.

    We can aspire to make our ‘being’ more in alignment with our values. We can aspire to make our ‘being’ more joyful, productive, prosperous, healthy etc. What we need to remember is that that ‘more’ comes in increments, it sneaks up on us as we go about our lives. If we are active in pursuing our goals, the changes are small, gradual, sometimes almost imperceptible. Then BOOM – wow! We realise we are now going to the gym and enjoying it, or we have changed our eating habits and no longer think about how hard it is to give up the soda.

    It’s about being in the now, the small choices, the moments.

    So this year, choose to be you. Step into you. Embrace the being and be more of who and how you want to be in the world.

    I originally wrote this at the beginning of 2020, well before any of us realised what a shit show this year would turn out to be. The best laid plans were left as ashes as the global pandemic took hold. I’m publishing this towards the end of 2020 on my own blog. Everything I said back at the beginning of the year holds true now. We can start wherever and whenever we are. Deciding to step into ourselves without judgement may be the best gift we give ourselves in 2020. Or you might want to take this approach as you plan for 2021.

  • Thank you for Staying – What to say to someone struggling with Suicidal Ideation

    Thank you for Staying – What to say to someone struggling with Suicidal Ideation

    Separation, divorce, custody battles, step-family dynamics all take a toll on our mental health. They also take a toll on the mental health of our kids.

    Let’s get real, some of us don’t make it out of these situations alive.

    We see posts about mental health – I’m here, my door is open, I’m just a phone call away…

    I think those posts totally miss the point.

    People who are at the point of wanting to escape life so badly they are looking for a permanent solution aren’t going to pick up the phone and say – hey.

    When we know someone is suicidal, often we can feel helpless. We don’t know how to talk about it. We don’t know what to say in the face of our overwhelming fear of losing someone we love.

    I’d like to suggest you say ‘Thank you’.

    Let the person you know is struggling to be here know that you appreciate their efforts.

    Let them know you see the strength of will it takes just to stay on this planet another day.

    Let them know you appreciate the pain they are enduring because they don’t want us to experience the pain of losing them.

    It’s a pretty bloody selfless act for someone to stick around when they really only want to die.

    These people we love endure a hell of a lot to keep it together enough to hang around in the hope of a better day.

    The least we can do is thank them for it.

  • Step-Families in a Pandemic – Coping with Covid-19

    Step-Families in a Pandemic – Coping with Covid-19

    This article was first published in Stepparentmagazine.com at the beginning of the pandemic.

    Covid-19, or the Corona virus, is big news around the world. Schools are closing, borders are closing, toilet paper stocks are at all time lows. This is the perfect storm for step-family conflict. The support groups I am part of our blowing up with stories of parents wanting trips cancelled and being called unreasonable and parents bitterly disappointed at being asked to cancel plans and interpreting this as scaremongering and ways to create disconnects with the children.

    So let’s set aside the emotions and get practical.

    This is not a drill.

    This is not a hoax.

    This is not some political ploy created to make lots of money or get anyone voted out of office.

    This is the real deal.

    A pandemic.

    The World Health Organisation, who are not known for being panicked, have declared this is a world wide problem that needs proactive handling. The measures with which it will be handled are up to each country, so if countries are struggling to find approaches that work, how are families split over several houses going to manage?

    Here are some tips and guidelines:

    Follow the official directives.

    Crazy as it sounds, the official directives are there for a reason. It’s not about protecting your family, or whether you will be safe. It’s about the entire population and trying to ‘flatten the curve’. Without these measures the health system will be inundated with Covid-19 cases requiring hospitalisations. Think about how much stress the health systems are under just coping with existing health conditions, so imagine how impossible it will be if demand for services doubles, triples, quadruples. If you’re sceptical – have a read of this and check out the information about how the health system in Italy has been overrun.

    Be smart about resources.

    Yes, I know everyone is worried about running out of toilet paper and hand sanitiser, but these things will not keep you safe or your family fed if you are quarantined for 14 days. Money is also a factor for some families. If you are struggling to put food on the table at the best of times, trying to shop for an extra week or two can be mission impossible. Check out budget meal planners, make a menu and a list. Don’t buy more than you will need, I have heard of stores in the US being stripped bare.

    We think of being quarantined, but how many of us think about if we are sick while in the quarantine. Tins of beans and tomatoes are a great pantry filler, but are they something you will be able to manage to prepare if you are ill? I’ve stocked up on some packet pancake mix because I know the kids can make those. I’m usually a from scratch cook, but I’ve bought some risotto and other things that are heat and eat.

    What about medication? Have you got meds in stock for you and the children? What about paracetamol? Vitamins, chest rub etc? The time to get those things is now, before you need them.

    Be smart about the schedule.

    Now is not the time to be rigid about custody schedules. Lots of kids are off school. Some workplaces are closed and there are parents working from home. I know there are a load of work from home/at home stepmums right now terrified they are going to be landed with home schooling a load of kids because they are supposedly available.

    So what do families do when kids are sick or need to go into quarantine? Do the kids go from home to home, and therefore put 2 or more homes into quarantine as well? Or do they stay in the home they were quarantined to? Each family will have to work this out. It needs to be something that all adult family members, including stepparents are consulted about.

    Some possible discussion points are: who has vulnerable people in their home? Should the people in that home be exposed to people who have been exposed to risk of the virus? Who still needs to be able to go out to work? Should kids go and put the people in that home under quarantine, or does it make sense to restrict the risk?

    These are unusual times. The world won’t end if the kids spend 2 weeks in a row in one home. School work is not the end of the world. Be understanding if the tasks set aren’t done in the other home, you don’t know what pressures they are trying to handle right now.

    The universal advice so far…

    Wash your hands. Wash your hands. Wash your hands.

    That means wash them with soap. Wash them for about 20 seconds. Dry them.

    Wash them before preparing food. Wash them before eating. Wash them on coming into the house. Wash them after using the bathroom. Wash them after blowing your nose or sneezing.

    Wear a mask.

    Stay away from other people if you feel unwell, and get a test.

    Sneeze into your elbow.

    Limit physical contact – stop hugging/shaking hands etc with people outside your immediate family.

    Stop unnecessary travel – pretty much all travel now is unnecessary.

    Don’t flush wet wipes down the drain – it creates blockages and sanitary issues.

    Be kind – to yourself, people out and about, and damnit yes, even your difficult ex!

    Postscript: We are now over 18 months into this pandemic. New Zealand is experiencing it’s first nationwide level 4 (strictest) lockdown for over a year. We have been incredibly lucky till now.

    People in other countries are not doing so well. They are fatigued from dealing with Covid stress. It’s wearing people down and taking a toll. Old anxiety and depression foes are ramping up, relationships are bearing a toll.

    Don’t be afraid to reach out for help. I can guarantee you that it’s not your lack of coping skills, it’s incredibly difficult coping with the pandemic.

  • One Life Enhancing Choice At A Time

    One Life Enhancing Choice At A Time

    Not going to lie, I have been feeling rough physically recently. I could say it’s from the pandemic stress, but that would be a lie. You don’t get a body like mine from a lifetime of healthy choices. It takes years and years of unhealthy choices, of ignoring pain and warning signs. It’s years of not so benign neglect that has me staring down the barrel of 53 with aching joints, a bloated stomach, and a general feeling of blerk.

    It should come to no surprise to anyone who knows me that I have attempted to address this at times, over the years, sporadically. I’m sure my long suffering children can remember the various lifestyle choices they’ve been subjected to. One of the worst was what my ex-husband called ‘Fit for Unhappiness’. I think the actual title was ‘Fit for Life’, but the unhappiness was more accurate.

    So while it may seem that I’m a slow learner, I’ve realised that I am not one to sustain drastic lifestyle changes. I gave up being buddhist in my 20s because I really didn’t believe God wanted us to live lives of deprivation. I am a hedonist at heart. I love indulgence.

    It has now got to the point that my body is craving a different kind of indulgence than I have previously been offering. It wants me to indulge its needs, rather than my wants. Sigh… Bigger Sigh… The body has tools at its disposal I can no longer ignore. The day of reckoning has come.

    This is not where I declare that I’ve joined the gym, even a virtual one, or signed up to some weight loss program. Nope, I know from past experience this wil result in me resenting spending money on something I didn’t really want to do in the first place.

    Instead I am declaring today a day of life enhancing choices. Tomorrow and the next day seem likely to head that way too, rinse and repeat till life consists mainly of life enhancing choices.

    Yep – Life Enhancing Choices.

    This is an addition to my life that I can get on board with, in fact it’s one I use already in many aspects of my life…just not for my poor long suffering body.

    So what do life enhancing choices look like?

    Some of them are small.

    This morning I had a choice of my favourite decadent chocolate bar for breakfast with a coffee, or banana on gluten free toast. Actually, I probably had many more choices, but those were the two that presented themselves most readily. I decided to compromise and have the toast with a chocolate bar chaser. Then I tuned in to my body, I asked myself – did I really want the chocolate bar or was it because it’s habit and a way I have framed as ‘treating myself’? Damnit! My body was not craving or needing the chocolate bar.

    So toast it was. It was delicious toast. I feel replete. Life enhancing choice #1 done.

    I was then sitting there engrossed on my phone and I needed to go to the bathroom,

    Hands up all the women who put off going to the bathroom.

    I see you there!

    It’s a chronic problem among women. We somehow put our basic bodily needs behind all of the other things we feel should do first.

    Go to the bathroom people!

    Life enhancing choice for my body #2.

    It’s not always the big things that matter. I have a very sore elbow at the moment. It’s easy to ignore it. Instead I will put some balm on it today before I start work in my office. It’s putting on the balm, drinking the water, not wearing the uncomfortable clothes, going to the bathroom the moment we realise we need to…those seemingly small things can have a massive impact on our general wellbeing.

    Sometimes it’s bigger, more uncomfortable things.

    Recently I have been cutting back my client hours on the weeks the children are here, so that I can help them with their schoolwork. After the last time they were here, one of them threw me under the bus spectacularly with their mother, after lying to me all week about their schoolwork. I decided that sacrificing my work to help someone who had no regard for the value of my time was not life enhancing for me. I made the decision that I would set aside two days to help, my mother is doing one day, and my husband is taking annual leave to cover the other, and the kids can cope while I work on the other. It seemed like the only option was for me to do it all, until I decided that wasn’t working.

    An even more uncomfortable choice I am facing is that I know I need to knock consuming dairy on the head. I’ve given up gluten and nightshades for my joints, booze for my mental health, but the dairy…*sobs* I LOVE dairy. Cheese, cheese, milky coffee…these are the highlights in a dreary day. These highlights also leave me feeling physically crap, bloated, and sore. The life enhancing choice is going to be saying good bye to cheese and milk for a while, to restore balance to my long suffering body.

    I’m going to need a warm up to that. It’s ok to need warm ups for big changes. For me  a warm up looks like this: acknowledging change is required. Sitting with the frustration, annoyance, and sometimes grief around letting go fo the thing I need to let go of. Then might come bargaining…this may take some time! Finally comes acceptance. The pain of the loss is outweighed by the pain of staying the same.

    Since the dairy is such a big one for me, I might decide to break this down into a series of life enhancing choices. It could be I have a black coffee in the morning, instead of a delicious frothy latte. I might use pecorino on my nachos, which is not cows milk, instead of tasty cheese. Big changes that we find overwhelming or are resistant to, might need a more gentle and gradual approach. I struggle with structured exercise regimes, but I can make the choice to stretch my body a couple of times a day.

    What life enhancing choices can you make today?

    These aren’t shoulds, oughts, or I’m going to do all of the things right now. These are single actions or decisions; I won’t reply to the toxic text, I’m going to assume good intention in this situation, I’m not going to beat myself up for not making the bed today…

    Just pick one thing. If you find yourself motivated, pick another. Life enhancing choices are only life enhancing if we do them willingly and feel good about them.

    I’m off to go cut some lemongrass for my tea for my next client session. Life enhancing choice #3.

  • Coupling During Covid-19

    Coupling During Covid-19

    During a recent radio interview, I was asked by the journalist whether I thought the lock downs/stay at home orders were contributing to the break down of relationships. My honest answer is that the conditions and stressors created by the pandemic and various stay at home measure act like a pressure cooker and amplifies what is already there.

    Some couples are thriving. They are finding a new sense of togetherness and cohesion. This time of stepping outside the pressures and busyness of running around for children’s activities, work, social engagements etc has brought respite and a time to lean in to each other and the family.

    For other couples, it has brought into sharp relief the underlying issues around equity, entitlement, and that needs are not being met. It is those couples for whom this pandemic could bring about the end of the relationship. I don’t think the pandemic is the cause or the catalyst, I think it has just brought the disconnect into focus.

    It’s often about competing wants and needs. These past few weeks have been incredibly challenging for me as a therapist. Usually I am able to take competing wants and needs and find compromise and a way forward. The pandemic has created situations where there is no winning for some couples, because of factors outside of both of their control.

    If you have an ex who is refusing to follow social distancing, and immune compromised people in your home, there is no good choice or right answer. You either risk the life of the people in your home, or you forgo time with your child, or you move out of your home in order to be able to spend time with your child. I am seeing people in this situation over and over again. It’s hearbreaking. It sets up situations where the partner feels like their needs are secondary or the ex has all the control. It can lead to resentment and frustration that yet again the new family comes last or is being negatively impacted by the ex and the stepchildren.

    In a relationship that is solid, and each person feels their needs are being met, these events can be discussed and navigated. There will be an understanding that these are extraordinary times, beyond our individual control, and sacrifices and allowances need to be made.

    In a relationship where the relationship is already stretched and one or both are feeling like their needs aren’t being met, and they are not a priority, this can be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. To be asked to sacrifice yet again is just too much.

    So what can you do if you are struggling in your relationship right now?

    The first thing is to take stock and dig into what is behind the disconnect, the arguments, the feeling that it’s all too hard. If you look beyond the surface, you’ll find it’s things like not feeling heard, of not being a priority.

    If you’re a stepparent, it may be that you are being expected to take on a greater load of parenting, but are not being given the authority or permission to actually parent. You’re feeling like a glorified, unpaid babysitter. Babysitters would probably have an easier time because they wouldn’t get the same level of commentary about their performance!

    It could be feelings around not being a priority or not being in control of your own home. It could be old wounds from our past that are resurfacing in a time of stress and anxiety.

    The feelings maybe so tangled and overwhelming, you don’t even know where to begin!

    Whatever it is, if you are concerned your relationship is in trouble, now is the time to seek help. Look for a therapist or coach who is skilled in step-family dynamics. If your partner won’t get help with you, get it for yourself. I often start working with stepmums and then this naturally transitions into couple work. Getting professional help is always cheaper than separation and divorce!

    If you’d like some support with your relationship during this trying time, you can email me [email protected]