Institute of Step-Family Dynamics

Category: Self Care

  • 3 Simple Steps To Avoid Mother’s Day Misery

    3 Simple Steps To Avoid Mother’s Day Misery

    Most years I put out a PSA on social media for mums and stepmums prior to Mother’s Day. This year I thought an entire blog might be more helpful.

    I do this because there are very few days in the year that can bring as much misery, resentment, and pain to women as Mother’s Day. It’s such a hyped up occasion where our families are supposed to shower us in bounty and praise enough to make all of our sacrifices and pain fade away into distant memory. We are supposed to bask in a warm bath of love and appreciation.

    With such overblown expectations, cultivated by media and conditioning, is it any wonder that so many of us end the day hiding in some part of the house in tears?

    Mother’s Day can be particularly challenging for those who haven’t been able to give birth or adopt children of their own. Childless stepmothers often find this a time of enormous pain. They are reminded of the children they don’t have in their families and feel they will never be seen as a ‘real’ Mother by their stepchildren and possibly even by their partner.

    For mothers who don’t have their children with them on Mother’s Day, the day can bring up many insecurities and unhappy feelings around another woman playing a significant role in mothering their children, not a situation most mothers imagined when they became mothers. For stepmothers whose stepchildren are with their mothers for Mother’s Day, it can be another painful reminder we are not a ‘real’ mother.

    So how do we change the way the day plays out and avoid as much misery as possible?

    Here are 3 simple steps.

    1) Figure out what YOU want the day to look and feel like.

    Do you want to be celebrated? If so, how? What would your ideal Mother’s Day look like?

    I’ve had many different Mother’s Days over the years and some of my best have been time out from mothering. It’s ok to say – actually the best thing I can imagine for Mother’s day is a night in a hotel by myself, or a day out with friends. It’s also ok to say – I need all of the things; breakfast in bed, chocolates, flowers, a lunch out, a day off cooking…the what is not important. What’s important is that it’s what you want out of the day.

    2) Communicate your needs

    Yes, we actually need to tell people what we want and need!

    I remember the first Mother’s Day I spent with my ex-husband. My first Mother’s Day I had been alone in a different country, away from family and friend, as a single parent. The only thing that was special about the day was my first Mother’s Day was just like any other Sunday. For the next one, I was full of excitement about actually being celebrated as a mother by my child and partner. The big day arrived and there was nothing. Not a card, no flowers, not even breakfast in bed. I was devastated.

    When I asked why there was no Mother’s Day thing happening, the response was: We never did Mother’s Day for my mum. I was shocked. Mother’s Day was really important in our family.

    So the lesson was, don’t just assume your partner will know what you want or need!

    We talked about it, and from then on, he was amazing at making sure the kids celebrated me for Mother’s Day. Even after we broke up, he would take the kids to buy a gift. One year, even after I had repartnered, he came down and cooked me breakfast in bed for me with the kids.

    3) Be prepared to change your ideas around what’s important

    As a young mum, Mother’s Day was really important. As I’ve got older and feel more solid in my role, I don’t need the same recognition on the day. I know being appreciated and loved is not always about the big moments artifically driven by consumerism. I know it’s the little moments; the cups of tea, the help when I don’t ask, the unexpected phone call or visit. Those are the things that make me feel most loved and appreciated. I’m in my 30th year of parenting now, so I’ve had plenty of celebrations over the years!

    I’m not suggesting it’s wrong or silly to want all of the things on Mother’s Day. My husband is not into commercialised holidays or events. We’ve talked about some of the reasons why, and I’ve found over the years I’ve come to adopt more of his views on these things. It’s less stressful and way less expensive! Our family values have evolved over the years, and part of the step-family dynamic is incorporating new ways of celebrating.

    If your partner is not into celebrating and isn’t up to accommodating your wants and needs around Mother’s Day, it might be time to figure out how to celebrate yourself instead. Buy the flowers, treat yourself, take a break away. Fill your cup in the way you want it filled, we don’t have to rely on others to do it for us.

    However you want this Mother’s Day to be, please don’t leave it to chance and hope and pray your loved ones will magically get it right.

    Create the day and celebration you want and deserve.

  • No Shortcuts in Step-Family Dynamics

    No Shortcuts in Step-Family Dynamics

    Recently I have been in the middle of setting a lot of new technology for my business.

    Recently I have sworn a lot and cried more than usual.

    Those two things are directly linked.

    The big problem, as I eventually discovered, was that I wasn’t following the steps I needed to in order to achieve my goal. I thought I could just wing my way through. I thought I knew what the different bits of the site did. I thought wrong.

    It’s been very hard to have to go back to basics, to start right from the very beginning.

    I’m not going to lie. I don’t like it!

    I’m older now, I know a little about a lot of things, and usually this knowledge is enough for me to fumble my way through things.

    This time it was not.

    So I started at the beginning. I watched YouTube video after YouTube video. I had to go back many times and rewatch, because I had zoned out or played with my phone, or otherwise disengaged. I’m not used to have to pay that much attention to get the gist of what I am watching. It’s a source of great amusement to my family that I listen to movies while I play games on my phone. This time I needed to really pay attention and focus on what was being offered and taught.

    Coming into a new family dynamic can be a similar experience to learning a new skill.

    We think we know what we need to know. I mean it’s family, right?!? How hard can it be?

    Turns out, it can be very hard. It can take us to the point of swearing a lot and crying more than usual. It can be very humbling to discover there are many things we didn’t know we didn’t know.

    There are some statistics floating about that state it takes about 5 to 7 years for a step-family to integrate and form a new, functioning family unit.

    It will surprise none of you who have read this far that I thought I could take short cuts and make it happen a lot faster.

    Spoiler alert: it did not.

    No amount of me deciding it would be different made it happen.

    There were no shortcuts.

    People need time to adjust. People need time to grieve for what they have lost. Step-families are founded on loss of another family unit. It takes time for people to get to know each other and find common ground, then appreciation, and finally sometimes even love.

    And just like I am having to accept when it comes to grappling with unfamiliar technology, maybe there might be some new learning and doing involved to get to a place of it all functioning well…there is also some new learning and doing involved in establishing a new family culture that works. Sometimes we need to bring in some expert help, sometimes we need to reach out to a support group. Sometimes we just need to accept that things are not going to happen on our arbitrary timeline.

    Is it time for you to reframe your expectations about how your step-family is evolving? Is it time to reach out for some professional help?

  • Making Time Matters

    Making Time Matters

    For too many years to comfortably count or acknowledge, my mantra was ‘I don’t have time’. I didn’t have time to stick on a load of dishes or washing, to make my bed, to cook a meal, to read a book, to hang out with my kids. I was drowning in busyness.

    I had created a life where I didn’t have time for the things that mattered as a coping mechanism for c-PTSD. If I created a life of chaos and busyness then I didn’t have a chance to notice my trauma. If I kept my head so full, then there was no space for triggering or upsetting memories.

    It would be nice if that actually worked, but of course it didn’t, and I ended up having uncontrollable flashbacks that meant I had to give up work. I spent two years recovering. Part of that was learning not to overload myself, but the busyness mantra remained.

    Busyness kept my life chaotic. It meant not doing the things that made life easier and more enjoyable. I was so paralysed by the idea that I was too busy to do things, that it got in the way of me being able to be productive and use my time well.

    Recently I was given a question that made me pause.

    What was a core belief that was getting my way?

    Low and behold, I realised. It was the idea that I was too busy to do things.

    A lightbulb moment!

    I put on my curious observer hat and watched how many times a day I told myself I was too busy to do something that would take a few minutes and make life work so much better. It was astounding and confronting.

    I started to challenge this self-talk. When I heard my inner voice start, I realised that this was a thing that would not take long and would make a difference.

    I started folding and putting away the washing directly from the dryer or the clothes line. It meant I didn’t have to deal with clean washing mountain. It meant that I didn’t have to set aside a big chunk of time to deal with folding laundry and then begrudgingly put it away or nag others to do it. I don’t mind putting a few items of clothing away for my husband. I certainly did often balk at doing that with piles of laundry. Unsurprisingly the children also find it easier to put away a few items at a time, rather than piles. It’s the answer to the room tidying technique that consists of putting clean laundry into the washing pile because they can’t be bothered putting it away.

    Dishes are easier to manage because we don’t have dirty dishes pile up in the kitchen. Clutter and mess attract clutter and mess. I had spaces and areas I used to call ‘crap attractors’, they were places were things that we didn’t ‘have time’ to deal with piled up. Taking a few minutes to deal with things on the spot means the crap attractors no longer exist.

    Making my bed often felt like something I didn’t have time for, as I rushed out the door to work. As I took a minute or two this morning to make the bed, I reflected about what a difference it make to the look and feel of the room. I grabbed the dirty laundry on the way out the door, dropped off my coffee glass in the kitchen on the way through and then sorted the dirty laundry into the appropriate baskets. I took another minute to put a load of laundry on. In less than 5 minutes I did the work to make our bedroom the sanctuary we want it to be, and ensured laundry didn’t pile up.

    It’s not just about our physical surroundings.

    Making time people is another thing we often feel is beyond our stretched busy schedules. I was in session with a client the other day, and because of lockdowns and the pandemic her children were home. They are amazing at giving their mum space to talk with me, but this day Mr 5 needed her. She took the time to connect with him.

    What did he need? It turned out he needed a hug.

    She gave him a big hug until he was done. He walked off happily and we were able to resume our session in peace. Other times, when she has tried to hold a boundary about not being interrupted, his distress took up way more time and space than the couple of minutes breaking for a hug took. It made me think – how often do we not give our step/children what they need in the moment, because we feel we don’t have time, and then spend way more time repairing and dealing with the fallout.

    I notice that when I take the time to notice my stepchildren doing things well, they blossom. When I take the time to connect and slow down what I am doing to include them, their behaviour improves. Yesterday I spent time planting out seed pots that were a supermarket give away last year. Something I had been ‘too busy’ to do for many months. Me sitting down for an activity attracted Mr 15 to the table, he sorted labels and helped get water for the potting pods. We chatted as we worked. Us sitting down attracted his sister, she came and chatted with us and then called her mum to ask whether she’d like some of the herbs we were planting. Mr 14 came along and sat for a while too.

    Taking time to do something I previously would have told myself I didn’t have time to do created so much more than simply planting some seeds for the garden. It created space for family, for connection, and conversation about food etc. These simple things, that in reality don’t take nearly as long as we think they will, are the stuff that grow our families and ourselves.

    We recently moved into a new house, and with that came a conscious decision to live in a more aligned and connected way. Eating at the table was a big part of that. We replaced the uncomfortable dining chairs with chairs that encourage us to sit and chat. We got a table that fitted the dining space well and looks good, replacing the second hand stained table I bought 13 years ago as a stopgap. I took the time to think about how I wanted us to live, as individuals and as a family. I thought about how to create space and spaces for the family. Our family morphs into many forms as people come and go. At times we are a family of two, half the time a family of at least five, and sometimes a family of 9 and then more as extended family come and go. It takes a lot of time and energy to manage the logistics involved to create a home that works for so many different groups. When we feel we don’t have time to do the emotional and mental labour involved in creating a nest that works, we often live in chaos and stress.

    I started writing this article 20 minutes before I was due to start a meeting. Usually I would have told myself I didn’t have time to start writing, with just 20 minutes. Making this start means that this article won’t go the way of so many that I plan to start and write, but don’t because ‘I don’t have time’. I’ll come back to finish this, where most often I wouldn’t come back to start it.

    And…my meeting finished earlier than expected, so I have time to pop back in and finish before the next meeting. I’ve created a whole article in the time I would normally write off as not being enough time to do anything much at all. Shifting my core belief around time and how much time doing things actually requires has been transformative.

    What core beliefs are getting in the way of creating and living the life you want and need?

    Is it about how much time you have?

    Is it about what you should be doing/thinking/being/earning?

    Is it about how your family should function? Or would function if you weren’t a step-family, or single parent?

    Is it about how much your mental health gets in the way of you being your best self?

    Whatever it is, sit with it for a moment. Get out your curious observer hat and watch how this belief is playing out? Is it accurate? Is it how you think it is?

    What can you do to shift the belief from something debilitating to something empowering?

    For me, for now, I’m working on reminding myself I have time for the things that matter and that making time matters. There’s a whole slew of other beliefs that are coming up for review – not being able to stick to a schedule or routine is in my sights!

    Feel free to share what belief you’re about to curiously observe below.

  • The Chores of Self-Care

    The Chores of Self-Care

    This article was originally published in Stepparentmagazine.com

    It seems counter-intuitive to lump chores and self-care in the same sentence, right?!? Isn’t self-care about fun, luxury, the chocolate cake in the bath? What is fun or luxurious about chores?

    For a long time I thought self-care was about indulgence. Indulging my wounded child, not doing the things that seemed boring or onerous. It was about bunking off from doing the things that I didn’t like doing. I’m going to self-care by watching a movie instead of doing the washing or cleaning the house. Self-care was a get out of jail free card. I’m not doing the things, I’m choosing self-care *shines halo*. Except that approach to self-care didn’t really seem to improve my life. Sure, it seemed fun at the time, some of the time. The problem was after I emerged from my cocoon of indulgence, all of the crappy stuff I had been avoiding was still there. A soak in the bath tub did nothing towards reducing chaos at home or making me feel any better about the things I was escaping.

    Let’s take a look at what the goal of self-care is.

    It’s about making our needs a priority, and doing what we need to meet those needs.

    Let’s say that again for those scarfing down the chocolate bar in the vain hope they will feel cared for and nurtured by indulging the inner chocolate fiend…

    Self-care is about making our needs a priority and doing what needs to be done to meet them.

    So I guess the first step towards self-care is figuring out what are the needs are in that moment, or perhaps more importantly, what our unmet needs are. What is it that we need to take care of for ourselves? What is draining resource or leaving us depleted? What do we need to do in order to top up our resources?

    Sometimes it is a good soak in the bath, listening to our favourite music, sipping on a beverage of choice with a tray of snacks, and a good book. Sometimes it is taking a moment to have a cup of tea and a treat, to sit down and stare out of the window while feeling the warmth of the cup in our hand and the delicious indulgence of a treat.

    It’s not always pretty this self-care gig though. Sometimes it’s dragging ourselves to yoga or the gym, when we really, really don’t want to go. Other times, it might be loading the dishwasher before heading out for the day, putting that last load of washing in the dryer before bed. It might be cooking dinner when your whole being is crying out for unhealthy take out.

    I had a week of that last week, the non-glamourous, non-indulgent self-care. I lay in bed after a night of broken sleep, desperately trying to convince myself that going back to sleep before my client session was a better idea than going to anti-gravity yoga. I battled. It was a huge dilemma as to which would be better self-care in that moment. In the end, I decided dragging my aching body along from some stretching was probably going to be of more benefit that lying in bed for another hour or two. I was right, it was. I felt invigorated after yoga. I would not have felt invigorated after a bit more sleep

    When it came time for dinner that night, I didn’t want to cook. I had taken meat out the day before and it needed to be cooked that night or thrown away. My husband was too sick to cook, so it left me. Damn it, where was an adultier adult when I needed one!?! I decided to watch the cooking show I like before I dragged myself into the kitchen to begrudgingly make dinner. It was enough for me to make an effort, we had delicious pork chops on a bed of apple, celery, and onion with sweet wine sauce. The dinner was nurturing, nutritious, and I felt a quiet sense of achievement at the end.

    If I had gone down the indulgent, avoidant ‘self-care’ path that day, I would have ended it feeling like a failure, like my life was out of control, and filled with physical pain. It turns out that sometimes the best self-care is doing the things that feel like work. I’m still a fan of the long bath with music and a cup of tea, I’ll indulge in a massage when time and budget affords. Making time to meet up with friends, reading a book, going for a walk…all of these things are part of a good self-care regime, but don’t forget the satisfaction of a task completed or a life enhancing choice.

  • Take The Trip To Angerville, Just Don’t Move There…

    Take The Trip To Angerville, Just Don’t Move There…

    Memes about how it’s all just a matter of a positive attitude abound. I know I’ve posted a few myself. I do believe that so much of our life experience is dependent on how we chose to frame it. There is a huge element of perception involved in how bad a negative experience can be.

    But, and this is a huge but – trying to be positive all the time is not healthy.

    I’m going to repeat that in a different way, in case you missed it. Denying your negative experiences and feelings is not healthy.

    I used to be so angry with the mother of my stepchildren. I hated her, and then I hated myself for allowing myself to hate her. I was torn as to who I hated most – her for the behaviour I saw as so abhorrent or me for not being able to let go and my anger. I ended up making myself physically ill, I carried so much stress and tension in my body, I was in incredible pain.

    My anger at myself for feeling, what were at the time, congruent feelings was what was making me ill. If I had allowed myself to feel the anger and frustration, instead of fighting it and beating myself up for it, the feelings would have passed far more quickly and easily.

    Instead, I felt so lost and alienated from the person I had thought I was and the person I felt I should be.

    Anger is an important feeling. One we need to be grateful for and pay attention to. Anger tells us when our boundaries have been crossed. It tells us when we are not honouring ourselves or are allowing others to dishonour or respect us. Anger is one of the most important tools in our toolbox when it comes to keeping ourselves safe.

    I spoke to a friend the other night who had hit breaking point. She had just had enough, she felt it was too much to go on and she felt ashamed and weak because of those feelings.

    It was at that moment I realised just how dangerous these exhortations to maintain positivity at all times are, how shaming the idea that your problems are down to your attitude and just changing your thinking will change your world.

    Guess what, we all have moments when we reach our limit.

    Every single one of us. What we often don’t have is a safe space to share those moments.

    We don’t have enough people saying – guess what, your response is completely congruent with the entirely crappy situation you are dealing with. Rage, cry, scream and blame the world and those in your world who are causing you pain.

    We need to have those kinds of conversations more often. People need to understand their pain and suffering is not their fault or a result of a crappy, weak attitude or mind. We also need to let people know these times will pass. Life will move on, the pain of this current situation will change.

    It’s here that for me the rubber hits the road.

    It’s what we do with those painful experiences that defines our lives.

    When we see these times as calls to action, as times when we are being pushed to look at our lives and figure out what is causing us pain…we can make sure our visits to Pity Town don’t turn into long term stays or end up with us being trapped there.

  • Goal Setting That Works

    Goal Setting That Works

    This article was first published in Stepparentmagazine.com

    How many times have you set New Year’s Resolutions? How many have lasted beyond the first week in January? How many of them were building on celebrating your wins? How many were based around correcting your perceived faults?

    If you’re like most of us – the majority of your New Year resolutions did not last till the end of the year, and the bulk of them would have been to fix your ‘bad’ habits.

    What if we switched that up?

    What if we decided this year, this decade, we are going to base our goals on building on our strengths, on celebrating our skills and talents; on stepping into our most powerful selves…?

    So often our goals are based on comparison with others. They have more money, better stuff, nicer kids, happier families, better bodies…the list goes on and on. We see ourselves from a place of lack, of ‘could do better’, from a list of never-ending shoulds that we use to find ourselves wanting. Let’s make 2020 the year we kick that nonsense to the kerb. Let’s make 2020 the year we set ourselves up for feeling good about who we are and the journey we are on.

    Life is not a destination. We don’t have a perfect life once we achieve x, or buy y, or have z relationship. The only constant in life is change. Life is in a constant state of flux, unless we accept that the messy, imperfect state we are in right at this moment is actually ‘life’, we can miss it. We can get so caught up in trying to become something or someone, we forget to be.

    Being is all we have.

    We can aspire to make our ‘being’ more in alignment with our values. We can aspire to make our ‘being’ more joyful, productive, prosperous, healthy etc. What we need to remember is that that ‘more’ comes in increments, it sneaks up on us as we go about our lives. If we are active in pursuing our goals, the changes are small, gradual, sometimes almost imperceptible. Then BOOM – wow! We realise we are now going to the gym and enjoying it, or we have changed our eating habits and no longer think about how hard it is to give up the soda.

    It’s about being in the now, the small choices, the moments.

    So this year, choose to be you. Step into you. Embrace the being and be more of who and how you want to be in the world.

    I originally wrote this at the beginning of 2020, well before any of us realised what a shit show this year would turn out to be. The best laid plans were left as ashes as the global pandemic took hold. I’m publishing this towards the end of 2020 on my own blog. Everything I said back at the beginning of the year holds true now. We can start wherever and whenever we are. Deciding to step into ourselves without judgement may be the best gift we give ourselves in 2020. Or you might want to take this approach as you plan for 2021.

  • Thank you for Staying – What to say to someone struggling with Suicidal Ideation

    Thank you for Staying – What to say to someone struggling with Suicidal Ideation

    Separation, divorce, custody battles, step-family dynamics all take a toll on our mental health. They also take a toll on the mental health of our kids.

    Let’s get real, some of us don’t make it out of these situations alive.

    We see posts about mental health – I’m here, my door is open, I’m just a phone call away…

    I think those posts totally miss the point.

    People who are at the point of wanting to escape life so badly they are looking for a permanent solution aren’t going to pick up the phone and say – hey.

    When we know someone is suicidal, often we can feel helpless. We don’t know how to talk about it. We don’t know what to say in the face of our overwhelming fear of losing someone we love.

    I’d like to suggest you say ‘Thank you’.

    Let the person you know is struggling to be here know that you appreciate their efforts.

    Let them know you see the strength of will it takes just to stay on this planet another day.

    Let them know you appreciate the pain they are enduring because they don’t want us to experience the pain of losing them.

    It’s a pretty bloody selfless act for someone to stick around when they really only want to die.

    These people we love endure a hell of a lot to keep it together enough to hang around in the hope of a better day.

    The least we can do is thank them for it.

  • Beware The Expert – Finding Help That Fits

    Beware The Expert – Finding Help That Fits

    This article was first published in Stepparentmagazine.com

    Stepparenting and becoming a happy step-family can be hard. We sometimes don’t even know what we don’t know! It’s human nature and common sense to reach out and try to find some help. Sometimes that help is sought from family and friends, and sometimes we decide it’s time to call in the experts.

    This is where it can get tricky!

    People might know a lot about their situations, or about other people’s situations. You might even have family therapists who know a lot of families. None of those people are the expert in YOUR family dynamic. None of those people know you and your situation and family members as well and as intimately as you do.

    This brings us to the first thing to beware of.

    One size does not fit all.

    Any friend, therapist, or coach who tells you that there is one way to do things right is wrong.

    There I said it. Sometimes coaches and therapists are wrong too. Or at least wrong for your family, or rather not a good fit for the dynamic you are working with. I can’t tell you how many people I’ve spoken with over the years who have been made to feel like failures by well-meaning coaches and therapists.

    There aren’t yet a lot of opportunities  for coaches and therapists to study step-family dynamics. Often they are operating from a therapeutic framework designed for families of origin or first families. The techniques and suggestions might work well when you have 2 parents living in the same home who have created a family and a family culture together. Those same theories and techniques don’t always fit in a step-family dynamic where there are more than one household, family culture, and set of parents to wrangle.

    If you are looking for professional help, ask questions.

    Ask about the person’s experience with step-families, ask if they see the dynamics as needing different approaches than a first family. If the answer is no to either of those questions, I’d recommend you keep looking.

    This is even more important if you are dealing with a high conflict situation. Conventional wisdom is that ‘it take two to tango’ or that both parties are equally responsible for conflict. This is not how it works if you have a pathogenic parenting situation, or are dealing with a disordered ex. Those situations require careful handling and an understanding of the pathology at play.

    Ask questions to probe… does the professional understand what pathogenic parenting or alienation is? Have they worked with high conflict situation before? Do they understand some of the problems this can cause for children and how those problems might present? It’s a highly specialised area, and needs an expert who understands this.

    If it doesn’t feel helpful and supportive, it probably isn’t.

    Sometimes therapeutic conversations can be confronting. They can be challenging. They can be uncomfortable. What they shouldn’t be is leaving you feeling like you are failing or that you are the problem on a consistent basis. There will be sessions where you might not feel that great afterwards, even my clients have those moments. Those will be a one-off and we will talk through why it felt like that and resolve it the next session. If this isn’t your experience and you don’t feel supported, it might be time to consider another professional.

    We can inadvertently give away our power when we are feeling overwhelmed. Navigating the whole step-family dynamic can be overwhelming at times, so it’s unsurprising that we can feel like we don’t know what we’re doing and should just do what we’re told.

    At times, it might be helpful to try something that feels uncomfortable or counterintuitive. If it doesn’t work, it’s not because you aren’t doing it right or there is something wrong with you and your family, it could be because it’s not the right intervention for you and yours at this moment. It might also be that you haven’t understood exactly how it’s supposed to be implemented and might have missed a vital piece.

    It’s important you feel safe enough to go back to your professional and tell them it hasn’t worked.

    Things not working includes you not wanting or managing to engage with a suggested intervention or technique. If I make a suggestion a client doesn’t end up going with, it’s not the client being lazy or not doing their homework, it’s that I have not been able to find an intervention that resonated enough for the client to engage. It’s not time to make the client feel bad about not doing the things we’ve discussed, it’s time to look at what about that particular thing felt too hard or didn’t work.

    In our indigenous language, we have a word awhi. It means to gather in with love, to hold with care. This is how I want my clients to feel when they work with me, it’s the concept and way of being I want them to be able to bring into their families.

    If you aren’t feeling held and supported, the expert may not be the expert for you.

  • Step-Families in a Pandemic – Coping with Covid-19

    Step-Families in a Pandemic – Coping with Covid-19

    This article was first published in Stepparentmagazine.com at the beginning of the pandemic.

    Covid-19, or the Corona virus, is big news around the world. Schools are closing, borders are closing, toilet paper stocks are at all time lows. This is the perfect storm for step-family conflict. The support groups I am part of our blowing up with stories of parents wanting trips cancelled and being called unreasonable and parents bitterly disappointed at being asked to cancel plans and interpreting this as scaremongering and ways to create disconnects with the children.

    So let’s set aside the emotions and get practical.

    This is not a drill.

    This is not a hoax.

    This is not some political ploy created to make lots of money or get anyone voted out of office.

    This is the real deal.

    A pandemic.

    The World Health Organisation, who are not known for being panicked, have declared this is a world wide problem that needs proactive handling. The measures with which it will be handled are up to each country, so if countries are struggling to find approaches that work, how are families split over several houses going to manage?

    Here are some tips and guidelines:

    Follow the official directives.

    Crazy as it sounds, the official directives are there for a reason. It’s not about protecting your family, or whether you will be safe. It’s about the entire population and trying to ‘flatten the curve’. Without these measures the health system will be inundated with Covid-19 cases requiring hospitalisations. Think about how much stress the health systems are under just coping with existing health conditions, so imagine how impossible it will be if demand for services doubles, triples, quadruples. If you’re sceptical – have a read of this and check out the information about how the health system in Italy has been overrun.

    Be smart about resources.

    Yes, I know everyone is worried about running out of toilet paper and hand sanitiser, but these things will not keep you safe or your family fed if you are quarantined for 14 days. Money is also a factor for some families. If you are struggling to put food on the table at the best of times, trying to shop for an extra week or two can be mission impossible. Check out budget meal planners, make a menu and a list. Don’t buy more than you will need, I have heard of stores in the US being stripped bare.

    We think of being quarantined, but how many of us think about if we are sick while in the quarantine. Tins of beans and tomatoes are a great pantry filler, but are they something you will be able to manage to prepare if you are ill? I’ve stocked up on some packet pancake mix because I know the kids can make those. I’m usually a from scratch cook, but I’ve bought some risotto and other things that are heat and eat.

    What about medication? Have you got meds in stock for you and the children? What about paracetamol? Vitamins, chest rub etc? The time to get those things is now, before you need them.

    Be smart about the schedule.

    Now is not the time to be rigid about custody schedules. Lots of kids are off school. Some workplaces are closed and there are parents working from home. I know there are a load of work from home/at home stepmums right now terrified they are going to be landed with home schooling a load of kids because they are supposedly available.

    So what do families do when kids are sick or need to go into quarantine? Do the kids go from home to home, and therefore put 2 or more homes into quarantine as well? Or do they stay in the home they were quarantined to? Each family will have to work this out. It needs to be something that all adult family members, including stepparents are consulted about.

    Some possible discussion points are: who has vulnerable people in their home? Should the people in that home be exposed to people who have been exposed to risk of the virus? Who still needs to be able to go out to work? Should kids go and put the people in that home under quarantine, or does it make sense to restrict the risk?

    These are unusual times. The world won’t end if the kids spend 2 weeks in a row in one home. School work is not the end of the world. Be understanding if the tasks set aren’t done in the other home, you don’t know what pressures they are trying to handle right now.

    The universal advice so far…

    Wash your hands. Wash your hands. Wash your hands.

    That means wash them with soap. Wash them for about 20 seconds. Dry them.

    Wash them before preparing food. Wash them before eating. Wash them on coming into the house. Wash them after using the bathroom. Wash them after blowing your nose or sneezing.

    Wear a mask.

    Stay away from other people if you feel unwell, and get a test.

    Sneeze into your elbow.

    Limit physical contact – stop hugging/shaking hands etc with people outside your immediate family.

    Stop unnecessary travel – pretty much all travel now is unnecessary.

    Don’t flush wet wipes down the drain – it creates blockages and sanitary issues.

    Be kind – to yourself, people out and about, and damnit yes, even your difficult ex!

    Postscript: We are now over 18 months into this pandemic. New Zealand is experiencing it’s first nationwide level 4 (strictest) lockdown for over a year. We have been incredibly lucky till now.

    People in other countries are not doing so well. They are fatigued from dealing with Covid stress. It’s wearing people down and taking a toll. Old anxiety and depression foes are ramping up, relationships are bearing a toll.

    Don’t be afraid to reach out for help. I can guarantee you that it’s not your lack of coping skills, it’s incredibly difficult coping with the pandemic.

  • What About Me? Step/mums and Family Holiday Traditions

    What About Me? Step/mums and Family Holiday Traditions

    It’s amping up to ‘that’ time of year.

    Holiday stress is a thing. It’s more often a thing for women. It’s often a very different kind of thing for step/mums.

    Traditionally women are the keepers of family traditions, the holiday planners, they are the ones to whom the responsibility for creating a celebration that brings joy to the family falls. Doing all of that in a step-family dynamic adds a whole other realm of stress. Bringing different family traditions and expectations into a day that works for everyone, even when there are different custody schedules going on is exhausting.

    I’m not going to go in to a whole diabtribe about how gendered this is and how unreasonable these expectations are…because they absolutely are, or encouraging a whole wave of feminist rejection of tradition social norms. That’s not because I don’t believe that’s exactly what should happen, it’s because as women we are too damn tired to stage a revolt this close to the silly season. Let’s start that in January or February to make sure there is a fairer division of tasks and responsibilities next year!

    So in the meantime, how do we deal with the layers and layers of stress this can bring?

    Here are 5 tips I find useful:

    Lower expectations

    Lower…lower…lower…and still lower

    Am I being a Debbie Downer? No, I’m being Samantha Survivor!

    So much of our hurt in this season comes from the disconnect between our hopes and expectations and the reality that comes to pass.

    Is the ex who is a grinch all year suddenly going to be overcome with festive cheer and become super generous about access and time over the holidays? Unlikely! They have shown you who they are during the rest of the year – believe them!!

    Are family members who struggle with each other going to put all their differences aside and sit round holding hands singing carols? Also unlikely! They have shown you how they feel about each other during the rest of the year – believe them!!

    Is a partner who is an expert ducker and weaver when it comes to dodging household management going to stage a miraculous conversion to Martha Stewart or even Martha Stewart’s assistant come the holiday season? Nope, not likely. They have shown you their engagement in the household management during the rest of the year – believe them!!

    Finally – if you are not a Martha Stewart clone from January to October, are you going to suddenly become someone who decorates like an Insta story and cooks like a Pinterest board? Trust me, this is also unlikely.

    This is a nice segue into tip #2

    Set yourself up for success

    I can’t tell you how many times I have had grand plans (my family might say delusions of grandeur) about the kind of Christmas I was going to create. I can tell you those plans didn’t come off exactly that number of times.

    Life gets super busy at the end of the year. The days of me thinking I can bake cute cookies, make homemade bath bombs, and create an elaborate menu are a dim, distant memory. I know I will be tired. I know getting drunk on Christmas Eve makes for a challenging Christmas Day. I know inviting 23 people for Christmas Dinner and getting over exuberant with the Christmas Eve celebrating/stress drinking is even worse.

    • Make realistic menu plans
    • Ask for help
    • Leave something in the tank for the big days
    • Up your self-care

    Here comes tip #3

    Be selfish rather than selfless

    Sure, it’s the season of goodwill and going out of our way for others, but a stressed out step/mama is not able to be the font of goodwill. She’s likely to be the fountain of stress and ill will.

    Take some time out to plan. Take some time out to reconnect with yourself. Have a list of go tos that you know help soothe you. Mine are lying on my shakti mat listening to binaural beats, having a good supply of herbal teas, and a secret stash of my favourite chocolate bars. I pop in some moments of focused breathing and nice candles too.

    More importantly, I know when to say no and when to ask for help which is tip #4

    You don’t need to carry this load alone. Even though tip#1 was all about not looking for help in the wrong place, we still need help.

    Asking what people are willing to do is a game changer.

    I find rather than telling my darling what I want him to do – laying out the list of things that need doing and then asking him what he can take on is really effective. Sometimes he has no idea of what’s required, let alone how to do the things that are required. Sometimes he will then proactively engage our kids to step up and help. Him just doing that takes a massive load off me. I don’t have to deal with the arguments and excuses, and since he asks them to help out far less than I do…he gets a more positive response.

    The final tip is be clear about what you need.

    Whether it is the gift you would like, the response to your efforts, or how the day is going to play out. Speak out and speak up. So often we aren’t clear in our expectations and end up feeling disappointed in how the day unfolds. People only let us down if they didn’t follow through on what they said they would, often it’s us letting ourselves down because we didn’t make clear what we needed.